Thursday, July 22, 2004
Relationships revisited
Thank you all, for lots of thought-provoking comments on the previous blog. Anytime there’s a discussion on relationships, broad generalizations to an extent, are inevitable. As they say, it is the exceptions that prove the rule! Having said that, here’s my views on it, loaded with my own sweeping statements, judgements, rants et al.
I think the article is well written in the two points of view it presents but flawed in attributing it to men and women specifically. The need for reassurance, that the person you love treasures and cherishes you, is fundamental to every one of us, men and women alike. Having said that, this need isn’t a constant one. Its more of an occasional desire that we like our partner to pander to. But after a while of not hearing it expressed, the question does come up - if he/she is feeling it, why won’t he/she say it? It is a happy and positive emotion after all (the emotion of loving someone, that is) so it is hard to understand why there is a hesitation to express it. That in turn gradually leads to doubts about the sincerity of the emotion itself.
Should that happen? Shouldn’t the basic faith in the other person and in the bond itself be strong enough for us to not be riddled with doubts? Why the need for external assurances, one might ask? I think that need comes ‘cos people and relationships are both essentially dynamic. What one feels today cannot be taken to exist tomorrow. In fact if I assumed a person’s love for me is the same today as it was yesterday, and took that to be a blanket fact without considering his actual expression of it, I am taking him for granted. I am doing an injustice to him by not seeing him for the ever-changing person he is. Not all relationships change quite as constantly. A mother-child relationship for instance, is different. Even without the continuous reassurances, it survives. But ‘romantic’ relationships (for lack of a better way to describe them) are inherently dynamic. Change is good, and people should change, no doubt. But it is these very changes in a person that make it imperative to express how we feel. The need to remind our partner that we may be changing, but our feelings remain as strong as ever.
Of course reassurance don’t have to come in the form of words alone. And that perhaps is the biggest difference between men and women. The implicit versus the explicit. The classic ‘why do I have to tell you I love you, isn’t it obvious in the little things I do?‘ question. If women can learn to read more into the subtle signals that men give to express how they feel, and men, in turn, try to express their affection in more explicit ways, perhaps a balance can be struck. Somewhere between questioning the sincerity of a man’s emotion ‘cos he doesn’t explicity express it, and on the other end, taking him for granted and assuming he loves you even if he doesn’t say so, lies an ideal middle ground that every woman hopes to reach. The Utopia of relationships!
Yo Megha !
a very nice write-up indeed and nice information there. The prev article was a good one too.
Relationships - hmmm … what can i say ! It is a known fact that men and women are made “different” … this has to be “understood” and “felt” by either. and this doesnt happen in a day. Relationships start out being a “bed-of-roses” and on a “coochy-koo” note (hahah) but as time progresses, both get to know each other very well and this is where the essence of the relationship kicks in. Its the responsibility of both the parties involved to get through this “phase-of-striking-a-balance” to make the entire life a “bed-of-roses” :-).
Its just like a scooter ! U definitely need those “sparks” to start the “engine” up. Small fights and some misunderstandings at the beginning form a building block for the relationship and if the “engine” can fire-up on those “sparks”, love (as a fuel) wud kick in together with commitment (as the oil) to keep the “engine” running. i think it is necessary for one to understand the other more deeply and to actually “feel” the other person in you. There needs to be a constant flow of fuel (love) and oil (commitment) to keep this “engine” running smoothly !! hahaha ! All u have to do is go ahead and safely change “gears” to pick-up on the speed ! even if one of them falls short, u r gonna have hick-ups no matter which “gear” (stage of relationship) u r on !
Again, If you dont have those “sparks”, its not gonna last long. Referring to a cycle here, if one if “driving” the other, it just ends up being a “bland” way, and soon some one s gonna get tired at some point !
oo boyyyyyy !!! what a “logically mechanical” way of looking at a relationship !! ppl … take-it-easy !! just had some thoughts that i added here ;))) ….
Either man or woman, both need to know the other is committed. The way they might need it may-be (is) different, but it does exist in both !
Cmon ppl … fire up ur comments ! LOL ! lots to talk about a “scooter” and a “cycle” !!! hahahah !
Thursday, July 22, 2004 @ 11:48 AM
Well Megha..ya i agree that men and women need to strike that balance as to what to offer and where to stop. Well..u know sometimes we women also agree that ok..he loves me he doesnt have to say it enough,but then we really have to find out that he is not saying it coz he loves u and he knows that you know that or he is not saying it just because he doesnt love you. Many a times in relationships we tak things for granted and just move along..but then i guess soemtimes you just need to stop,ponder and have a reality check. And i think most women get into a relatonship to unpack and take residence so we have more chances of overlooking many things. And perhaps we look for a little more of expression!!!!!!!
Thursday, July 22, 2004 @ 12:09 PM
If it were the “real thing”, i dont see any way a “romantic relationship” is different from the love a mother has for her son. I mean, i dont buy that ‘dynamic thing’ yaar. Remember that dialogue in ROAD where Manoj Bajpai kinda suggests to Antara Mali “Life is all about choices - u choose someone at one point of time only becoz u didnt have a better choice” - Why do i get a feeling women assume all men think along these lines and so need reassurances that their partner still has thots only for them :-)) I know am bein’ so MCPish but its worth giving a thot :-p
Nice expression of thots, Megs. Lage raho :-)
Thursday, July 22, 2004 @ 11:26 PM
Hey found this article from eDiet’s that I got registered which explains Men’s inability in expressing himself and other stuff. Infact I used it as a topic in my blog www.gvenum.blogspot.com
Saturday, July 24, 2004 @ 1:44 PM
Yo ppl …
there r some more comments about my thinking on relationships … check out …
http://gvenum.blogspot.com/2004/07/relationships-re-revisited.html#comments
-Crush
Saturday, July 24, 2004 @ 7:34 PM
hilarious description by U totally Rock, the analogy was awesome..
Thats a good point that, inevitably people change and thus they need to be constantly reassuared that they are still loved.. But i do think that in addition to explicitly mentioning it guys show their affection in many other ways..doing small chores, a thoughtful book as a present, just looking out for the other person etc..
Saturday, July 24, 2004 @ 8:48 PM
[U Totally Rock Dude] Very nice analogy indeed! :) :) I think you said it best, when you said - The way they might need it may-be (is) different, but it does exist in both !
[Chhotu] I think men get into a relationship to unpack and take residence just as much as women do. Years of straight-jacketing men as ‘players’ and women as the ‘lifetime commitment’ sorts has led to a certain pressure on both sides to conform to the stereotype. I think men long for stability and commitment as much and women long for freedom and the feeling of not being tied down. Its unfortunate that those sides don’t get expressed quite as much..
[Jupe] I have objections to what you said on SOO many levels, that I don’t know where to begin :) First and foremost, most women don’t assume that they are NOT their partner’s first choice. Secondly, even if a woman is a man’s first choice, he can still change his mind about her some day. So the need for reassurance isn’t because the woman feels like a second-rate citizen in any way. Its because relationships are dynamic, even the ones that are the ‘real thing’.
A mother-child relationship is not one of choice. Nor can it be ended by choice. A mother remains a mother period. There’s nothing you can do to change that, even if you will it so. A husband-wife/romantic relationship is different in this regards. It starts by one’s choice, it can be ended by one’s choice. That’s why it is dynamic, cos it CAN change. And if it doesn’t change, its because the two people in it strive to preserve it. Not because it effortlessly remains that way.
[gvenum & U Totally Rock Dude] Over to gvenum’s blog for more comments on this! (Boy do I write a lot of comments or what! :) )
[Anirudh] I think the ‘other ways of expressing affection besides directly saying it’ is something everyone does, men and women alike. In fact, to most people its the not-so-obvious ways that always remain more special. The old adage of ‘actions speak louder than words’ is indeed very true, in this case.
Monday, July 26, 2004 @ 7:26 AM
Jupee I couldn’t agree with you more that you are totally being MCPish with your comment. Megha put it right when she said about “the mother-child relationship is not one of choice while a husband-wife/romantic relationship is starts by one’s choice, it can be ended by one’s choice. That’s why it is dynamic, cos it CAN change.”.
Manoj Bajpai’s statement in the movie “Road” has more of a sensationilist value than of any reality. I am beginning to believe people by not “buying” the dynamic thing and attributing “stress in relationships” to the partner’s constant need for re-assurances, are just trying to find an excuse not to work on thier relationships untill the situation forces them too.
Monday, July 26, 2004 @ 3:16 PM
Hmm..Relationships and My 2 Cents:
A Relationship Theory’s Value is inversely proportional to the generality of it.Every relationship has its own nuances and subteleties that can never be consistently captured in any single theory.
Having said that we all understand that a relationship is interesting exactly because of all the differences between X and Y chromosomes.
I think the most succesful relationships create a bond that has “Synergy” (where 1+1 > 2..I dont mean children BTW).Definitely a relationship involves some trade-offs on each one’s part.Some view this as taking away certainpart of the edge. You give away a certain piece of yourself gladly if you could see the whole picture but thats not always the case and hence difficulties in getting along.The myopic tunnel vision of one of the partners could lead the break-up.If only they could see and NOT observe…
Wednesday, July 28, 2004 @ 11:02 PM
Indians have trouble emoting, or expressing our emotions out loud unless it be anger, disdain, disgust, et al. Forget public displays of emotion, at which we suck. We arnt even good at saying “I love you” to family. (I know how embarrassed I get if I have to say this to my parents.) And I guess this carries on throughout life. In early stages of romance, its very easy to say these three words, yea, often repeat them. With time (and children might I say?), the daily humdrum of life makes it unnecessary, and after a while embarrassing too. Maybe that’s why its kinda hard for men/women to say the words after a point.
I dont know whether it is the way for men as described in the article, maybe it is. Personally, for me it isnt. I think its a lovely guesture. Everybody needs reassurance from time to time, and there’s nothing like telling your loved ones you love them to make them feel cherished.
Oops, long post. Megha, I like the way you put words to your thoughts.
Friday, July 30, 2004 @ 6:11 AM