Thursday, November 4, 2004
Presumptions
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Something that was on my mind thanks to a recent conversation with a friend —
Presumptions and generalizations are the very bane of communication, aren’t they? The more we assume about people, based on stereotypes, the less we give them a chance to be themselves. So much that eventually, the person you think you know is more a creation of your own conclusions rather than who they really are. A total waste of getting to know someone, methinks.
And so often anyway, it is the exceptions that prove the rule. So isn’t it best to just let a person be, discover them for who they are, the opinions they hold .. and be pleasantly surprised at how different from the so-called norm they are? Soon enough one realizes that there is no norm in the first place.
Reminds me of a line from a recent mail forward —
We always create images and perceptions about people and then try to make them prisoners of those images …
Something to think about, isn’t it?
Preception traps/filters are hard to overcome. Most of us like to peg people into nice little holes of different shapes. Trouble is most often than not, at some point of time, we realize that they just dont fit into those slots. Then we start the incredible gymnastics of finding explanations and false justifications to explain this seeming discrepancy. If its someone we like or admire or worse someone we love, then we set ourselves up for incredible anguish. On the flip side when someone we hate, pleasantly surprises us, we move heaven and earth to find the non existent hidden motive. Refusing to accept that our veiwpoint was wrong! Unfortunately its an opinionated world, we are raised that way. Yet, if we rise above nurture and take the higher ground, unclouded by the thin mist that hangs like a shroud above the valley of earth, we realise what an incredible vista lies in front of us,… the world for that matter the universe is not just flat or curved, deep or tall, wide or narrow its all that and much more.
P.S. My comment for one is long and shallow ;-)
Thursday, November 4, 2004 @ 4:19 PM
Hmmm….I guess it all depends on how many times you actually hit the nail on the head. If your judgment is right 9/10 times then you’re a shrewd judge of character. If not, then you are “labeled” as a highly judgmental frog in the well.
Life, it seems is not without a sense of irony - Morpheus
“My first comment:)”
Thursday, November 4, 2004 @ 5:11 PM
“a creation of your own conclusions”, or “delusions”? :)
“We always create images and perceptions about people and then try to make them prisoners of those images …” Nice :)
And when they behave differently (escape the cages?), we’re disappointed because they didn’t live up to our expectations.
iii, beautiful comment!
Thursday, November 4, 2004 @ 5:52 PM
“The tendency of the casual mind is to pick out or stumble upon a sample which supports or defies its prejudices, and then to make it the representative of a whole class.”—Walter Lippmann It is impossible to have a completely “open mind” as prejudice is a collection of our life experiences but we can always reduce its impact on our judgements and not extrapolate!Really good one,Megha!
Saturday, November 6, 2004 @ 4:24 PM
[iii] Wonderful comment! Very nicely said! Especially liked the following line —
“On the flip side when someone we hate, pleasantly surprises us, we move heaven and earth to find the non existent hidden motive.”
[Devdutt] Hmm, so true! But then again, our judgements being accurate doesn’t make us any less judgemental, does it?
Thank you for the first-time comment. Hope to see more of them :)
[Rajesh] Conclusion, delusion, illusion .. just a big confusion :)
[Ramchi] Thanks! Indeed true, we are nothing but a product of our experiences. And it is really hard to keep our experiences (and thus our pre-conceived notions) aside when meeting a new person.
But having said that, one must try to fight it. An air of inevitability in this matter will only make those stereotypes and prejudices stronger and deeper.
Wednesday, November 10, 2004 @ 3:16 PM
on a lighter note…it was on some movie…assumption is the mother of all f%#$ups
but yes, it is a basic human tendency to compartmentalize all incidents and people based on our past experiences and memories. Any person or episode remotely close to the one locked in our memory, gets straighaway stereotyped.
We get lost in our own world that everything we see around us is nothing but our mental projection (courtesy Matrix).
Thursday, November 11, 2004 @ 5:47 PM
[Mustang] Under Siege 2, a Steven Segal flick of all things :)
Yeah, reminds me of the ‘snap to grid‘ feature in Adobe Photoshop. You bring an object close enough to a gridline and it moves and snaps into place, rather than letting you place it exactly where you should be placing it. Guess we do that with people too!
Yikes, I managed to geekify this as well! :)
Wednesday, November 17, 2004 @ 4:34 PM
Intersting write up. Even though I agree the bane of generalizations, I have a different view on the presumptions part. Having a positive presumptions cannot always be a negative approach. I believe having presumptions is fine till it begins to effect negatively the people involved otherwise it’s a fantastic tool to understand and know a person. I beleive it can be a kind of pre-requisite for analysing a person for a better relationship. Whenever the person under the spotlight behaves differently, one can be pleasenlty suprised too and gets a chance to enhance her/his “The presumptious tool”.
Why assume at the first place?.You might ask. I feel its practically impossible for humans not to have this quality. I also feel it keeps your constant interest in the person which could finally lead to 2 people coming together either in the wedlock or a good friendship. After all what else can be more interesting than analyzing the next person and feel good about when you are right and gladly suprised(enhance yourcase study) when you are not:). Both ways its a win-win situation.:).
What would you do if your close friend/wife/husband/family behaves differentlly than you presumed/expected. Would you be mad or pleasantly suprised?
So a wife/husband shouldn’t have expectations of each other?
How can one approach a relationship saying “I am not expecting you to make me happy, but if you do good for me”. Sounds crazy right?. This will explain my point 300words back:) that positive presumptions are fine.
so the quote
“We always create images and perceptions about people and then try to make them prisoners of those images … “
even though sounds great is not entirely true.
Can you please provide your comments on this. You are an excellent writer and I really like your thought provoking blogs.Your blogs speaks for your very good intellecatual views.
Sunday, November 21, 2004 @ 4:38 AM
Interesting idea, Knowitall.
It definitely is natural to complain about stereo-typing. A lot of mistakes are made that way.
But maybe saying that we should not be stereo-typing just because people are too rigid about it, is like saying people should stop eating because you can end up with food-poisoning (sorry, couldn’t come up with a more impressive analogy).
It is probably necessary to stereo-type people, to start with an initial impression - otherwise what do we have? If we don’t have a first impression about someone, we probably don’t give that person a chance to leave an impression.
What is important, though, is to keep the “grid-locks” (to borrow from Megha’s geekification) on that impression - on that stereo-type - very flexible. Like an amoeba. And while it is okay to be surprised if the impression - as it evolves - ends up being very different from the initial mould that we set for it, it is important to accept it.
What generally happens is that we form these stereo-types, and then when the stereo-type proves inaccurate, we resist acceptance of that fact. We ignore the differences between the actual person and the stereo-type, and we keep ignoring until… until we cannot anymore. And, as you would expect, it’s all downhill from there.
Potentially wise words: Do it, but do it right.
Sunday, November 21, 2004 @ 6:53 PM
[Knowitall] Thank you for visiting and for your comment. Glad you like what I write. Also, apologies for the delay in my response. Have had a crazy couple of weeks.
Interesting point of view you present here. I think the fundamental point here is that when a person doesn’t conform to our presumptions, do we modify/enhance our ‘presumptions tool’ or do we instead (as [iii] so perfectly said it above in his comment) “ … move heaven and earth to find the non existent hidden motive.” I guess as long as we are willing to accept someone being different from the norm, and respect them for being that way, then having a set norm in our head is not a completely bad thing.
Assumptions are basic human nature, be it conscious or subconscious. But how much we project these assumptions onto the other person is what makes a difference. I agree with you about analyzing a person we meet and feeling good when our analysis is correct and being gladly surprised when our analysis is wrong. But how often are we ‘gladly surprised’? Invariably, when our analysis goes wrong, we make excuses for it. We continue to project our assumptions on the other person, insisting that the exception to their behavior is driven by some other ulterior motive, all the while smugly believing we are excellent judges of character. I think that, more often than not, THAT is human nature as well.
As for expectations, I think they are a slightly different can of worms from presumptions. Yes, to an extent, they can be related. A presumption about how much the other person will be willing to do for you translates to somewhat of an expectation. But there is one fundamental difference between the two, in my opinion. A presumption is a judgement on someone ELSE’S behavior. An expectation is our OWN desires of the other person’s behavior.
I think assuming but having an open mind to your assumptions being proven wrong (paraphrasing what you said) is wonderful in theory, but not so easy in practice. Not assuming at all (paraphrasing what I said) is also good in theory but just as difficult in practice. Guess it finally comes down to choosing one idealistic view over another.
I look forward to hearing your thoughts on this. Thanks for making me think!
Monday, December 6, 2004 @ 12:16 AM
Thanks for your wonderful thoughts. You summarized my thoughts so perfectly in few sentences, I wish I could consult you before I publish my comments in future. You could save some time,space and energy in figuring out what my point of view was:). By the way don’t my username look so presumptious.
” …difficult in practice. Guess it finally comes down to choosing one idealistic view over another.” That was very well put. I feel humans, who by nature are curious and like to explore , would feel more comfortable to be told to have a open mind about judging people than asking them to go against their very nature of not assuming or being presumptious.
Why is judging a person a bad thing. If we don’t have a problem being judged how good you are in one aspect(say being a good cook) but presumptious about the behavior in other aspect(say being lazy) which doesn’t go well with same individual, he/she will only get upset about being remarked about her/his being lazy. Why doesnot he/she get upset that about being judged a good cook(since you know you are a okie cook but not a good one).
So what you are doing is discouraging only one kind of assumptions. Why doesnot one get angry or furious for being wrongly judged as a good cook. We don’t because we inherently have no problems being judged for the right reasons(in our perception which is not always true). So we have no problems being judged and being presumptious.
So the later idealistic view (”Not assuming at all (paraphrasing what I said) is also good in theory but just as difficult in practice. ” ) as you suggested though great but impossible to practise as it would create new set of problems. Because my intepretation of you being a good cook will be a presumption and I cannot carry one according to this view.
So I can only compliment ” the food was good today” but nothing more. So one will never be able to compliment the way he wants to because he could be branded as presumptious. So we are denying a “positive,happy feeling” created by the appreciations/compliments a chance.
I feel ,given we humans are inquisitive by nature ,the former idealistic view has a real chance of happening than the later one. In my personal experience, I have come across more people who I thought are judgemental but had a open mind to change when they knew me better than who are not presumptious at all. More than often the people being judged does a role reversal and get presumptious/angry about the person judging them than letting them figure out themselves about you that would change their view.
In my opinion, there is never an execuse to get angry/upset or sad but there is always one to be happy and cheerful.
Thanks for responding. Please let me know what you think. May be you can summarize what my thoughts or views are if you ever figure out from the scratchy job I did at presenting my point and follow up with your thought-provoking comments. You have a wonderful selection of writings and pictures. I enjoy reading your blog.
By the way don’t my username look so presumptious and can easily make someone reading it presumptous about me. Being presumptous is so easy and so natural, I tell ya.:)
Tuesday, December 7, 2004 @ 8:40 PM
Very True. It’s bad to have a preconceived notion abt nebody. Initially I thgt u were not interesting, but on reading more I discovered u r nice :)
Wednesday, October 5, 2005 @ 11:46 AM