A walk in the clouds.. » Goan chhole and well-hung blankets

Monday, February 13, 2006

12:00 AM

‘Will you walk into my parlour?’ said the Spider to the Fly,
‘Tis the prettiest little parlour that ever you did spy;
The way into my parlour is up a winding stair,
And I’ve a many curious things to shew when you are there.’
‘Oh no, no,’ said the little Fly, ‘to ask me is in vain,
For who goes up your winding stair can ne’er come down again.’

Keyword searches have brought much amusement into my life. There is a lot to be said about the joy of luring unsuspecting strangers into your lair of madness. Imagine — a poor sod sitting in a faraway land chances upon an innocuous looking link with a wispy fluffy title — A walk in the clouds. Pretty daffodil fields full of sunshine and chirpy bluebirds fill his mind. He clicks eagerly and .. WHAM! Like Sunny Deol’s two-and-a-half kilo punch, disappointment knocks him unconscious and sucks him into a vortex of nonsense. Of course, by the time he recovers, it is too late. But as a memorial, here’s how some of those sad stories began. (And the narrator’s commentary.)

Indian chamiya
(Look ma, I’m a chamiya now! Aren’t you happy?)
Goan chhole
(Fusion cuisine, here I come!)
Tomato pappu, Andhra-style tomato pickle
(Mum would be proud. Er, mum, please to not read past this point.)
Sizzling Bollywood babes
(So much for daffodil fields and bluebirds, eh?)
Sexy Bollywood navels
(From the 80s to today, if thereâ€™s a bared tummy we have it here. Ooh, that should be my tagline.)
Shilpa Shetty navel, Madhuri navel, Trisha navel
(Navels are like opinions, everyone has one. Um, something like that.)
Mallu porn, Bong porn, south Indian porn
(No Gult porn though? Are we really such an unattractive race? Hmpfh.)
Saree dropping aunties
(Er .. dropping? Saree gira re, Bareilly ke bazaar mein.)
Sarees in the rain
(Yes, we are the one-stop shop for all things titillating. And sarees.)
Megha in a transparent saree
(Hello? No no no. NO! Heh. GreatBong and Amit Varma also show up in the resuts for this. Heh heh.)
Devil worship
(Damn, I knew that Black Magic 101 was gonna come back to haunt me.)
Grown men who need their mommy
(WTF?! Okay, that’s it. Anyone who calls me ‘mommy’ on this blog, will die a slow painful death.)
Pictures of women on horses riding in the clouds
(Chatur naars and ghodas, that’s what we are all about.)
How to hang decorative Indian blankets
(Helpful tip: One corner at a time.)
Things to know about becoming a thief
(Step one: Steal. Step two: Donâ€™t get caught.)
How do clouds manage to remain floating
(Not how do they float, how do they sustain the float. Yes yes, very specific, we are.)
Megha has lost the moon
(Lost lost moon, open sky, flap flap arms. Lovely song, no?)
A website where I can write my own name in neon lights
(If there’s anyone whose name will be written in neon lights around here, it’ll be me! So there.)
Kuntiâ€™s eye make up in the Mahabharata
(Kajra re kajra re, tere kaare kaare naina ..)
Draupadi’s saree
(Only Vimal, only Vimal, only Vimal, Vimal! And we’re back to sarees, once again.)
Kishan Kumar, Avinash Wadhawan
(*bangs head on wall singing achha sila diya tune mere pyaar ka ..*)
Chunkey Pandey, Aditya Pancholi
(Nahiiiiiiiin! Keh do ke ye jhoot hai! )
Ramsey Brothers
(Oh the horror! Um, literally.)
Megha and Deepak Parashar
( .. sitting in a tree? K I S S I N G? Ugh! There are people who hate me *so* much?)
Jeetendra’s hair
(Hmm. His hair but not his heir apparent? How strange.)
Disco Shanti pictures
(Singing Mithun style — I am a Disco Shanti! *pam pam para*)
Ganguly in the rain
(Hopefully looking for Rupa and not Saurav.)
Mamta Kulkarni body paint photos
(Er .. um .. aa ..)

And the top honors go to —

Hemant Birje
(Aaaaaaaaaaa~aaaaaaaaaaaaaaa~aaaaaaaaaaaaa!)
Ajmeri Baba
(Aaj meri baba, kal teri baba. My blog finally has a purpose. Searches for Babaji lead people to me. I am truly blessed. Om hreem kleem M M Kreem yada yada.)
Hasan Jahangir
(Why on God’s green earth, WHY! Gah, let me just go die. Ooh, I made a rhyme there. Cool! Isliye marna cancel!)

For two years we have tried to figure out this blog’s USP. But today we had an epiphany. (Which is both ‘appy and funny. Heh.) There is indeed something that we uniquely offer here. One search that will lead you to this blog, and only this blog. This visual —

A C-grade Bollywood flick starring Chunkey Pandey. Random south-Indian chamiya dances to hawa hawa ae hawa croaked by Hasan Jahangir, while diligently baring her tummy. Chunkey watches, eating Goan chhole and getting chunkier. He distractedly stares at the wall. How do I hang that ethnic blanket?, he wonders. Frustrated at not finding an answer, he picks up the phone, howling — I need you, mommy! The scene fades.

Disturbing and scary thought, no? It’s a Ramsey Brothers movie, after all.

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Monday, February 13, 2006