FA-Q

Brevity has never been the soul of our wit. Yes, soul-less wit, that’s us. Not to be confused with a wit-less soul. Okay, token silly wordplay over. So yes, this post is just a wee bit long. But, the time has come, the Walrus said, to talk of many things, and so it will have to be done. Oh and by the way — this is not for the weak-hearted, impressionable-of-age and bearing-of-child. Heh heh.

You’d think it is a foregone conclusion that the people who read this blog actually want to read this blog? Amazingly enough, no. Apparently, a lot of people who find me annoyingly cute and find my writing suicide-inspiring also read this blog. Yippee-de-doo! And no no. Not just read it and go back to infest the dungeons they inhabit. Nosiree. Instead they visit an ungodly twenty-three times a day, post comments full of pimply angst and dutifully check back every few minutes to see if I’ve kicked their asses nine ways to Nairobi. And you know how we hate to disappoint.

So yes, excruciating love and affection of certain peoples has been compelling them to pepper the blogosphere with sweet nothings about me and my blog, since a while now. My non-controversial, couldn’t hurt a fly if it tried blog. Damn, I can’t even say that with a straight face. Ah well. Some nasties are in posts written about me, some in comments on other people’s blogs and some via email. And of course, how can I leave out my most favorite kind? My dah’lings — my anonymous commenters. Yeah, wayyy too much loving, I tell you! So here you go. All the things you wanted to know but were afraid to ask. At least in public.

Me

  • Q: Are you real or imaginary?
    A: I am complex.

  • Q: Is Megha your real name?
    A: No. I am Pentakumari Pamulaparthi. I realized Megha was cooler, so I went with that instead. And before you ask, no I am not related to P V Narasimha Rao. Yep, that’s what the P in his name stands for.

  • Q: Are you single?
    A: Viktorrr .. hunny bunny! This one’s for you!

  • Q: Do you have a life other than your blog?
    A: Yes, multiples ones, in fact. A convenient side-effect of having multiple personalities.

  • Q: Why are you so full of yourself?
    A: Aren’t you? How sad. I for one, find it a wonderful way to ignore everyone else who is full of themselves. In any case, would you rather be full of me, instead?

My writing

  • Q: This blog is so annoyingly silly and pointless.
    A: Yeah, it is. So? Why does it bug you if I am frivolous? No seriously, please to tell me why, so I can hone my skills and annoy you some more. And more importantly, why is being frivolous such a bad thing? If you’ve never been frivolous, you should seriously consider trying it some time. Immensely therapeutic. And while you’re at it, you might want to remove that stick out of your ass too. Ah there. Much better, ain’t it? Pat pat. Nah, it was no big deal. Always willing to help.

    I think some people take themselves way too seriously. I, on the other hand, revel in my shallowness. I don’t claim to be profound. If you have those pretensions, pliss to write deep posts of your own and then drown yourself in them. Blub blub. But why do you expect them from me and then throw hissy fits when you don’t get them? If you’re in the mood for Chinese, why order a Gujarati thali, I say?

    Which comes to my other issue — who said writing pointless and silly posts was a trivial matter? Every one of the cretins who crib and whine about my writing — I’d like to see YOU write something that is silly, pointless and make at least one person in the world smile or laugh. No, seriously. Why is humor/wit/satire (yes we shall be so pompous as to believe we do some of that) given the red-headed step-sisterly treatment in general? Why is serious writing lauded and silly writing, considered less-than-equal? And who decided what was blog-worthy, in the first place? Who says Asha Parekh’s posterior or a cow’s dialect are not serious enough issues? Oh hush, you skeptics. I have a letter here from a very distraught Mr Asha Parekh, that will change your mind.

    I think it is tougher to make people laugh than it is to make them cry. Tugging at your heartstrings is much easier than tickling your funny-bone. But no, I am not so full of myself as to believe that I always make you laugh. But I love to write the nonsense that I do and if in doing so, I manage to bring a smile on your face every once in a while, I cannot really ask for much more, can I?

  • Q: Why do you refer to yourself as ‘we’?
    A: There are a whole bunch of us. Seventeen at last count. Good one, Evil two, Psycho three, Sentimental four, Kooky five .. and so on. And all of us write this blog. Hence the we. Plus, we suffer from delusions of grandeur. We think we are royalty. We write our blog sitting on a velvet recliner, with grapes being dangled over our mouth. A delectable stud, wearing a strategically placed fig-leaf, fans us, while another of his hubba-hubba ilk, draws us a bath of goat’s milk and rose petals. In the background, our pet white tiger with a diamond-studded collar, yawns disinterestedly, while perched on his silk pillow. Is that enough of a visual for you? Now shoo.

  • Q: Your blog is emetogenic. It makes me want to throw up. What should I do?
    A: Don’t visit it so often. And if you must, the brown paper bags are near the exit.

My commenters

  • Q: I can’t believe you deleted the obnoxious comment I posted last week! What the heck?
    A: Really? After fifty-three deletions you still have trouble believing it? My my, quite the optimist, aren’t we? Gee, what can I possibly do to convince you, I wonder? Maybe this and this will help?

  • Q: Why don’t I see any female commenters?
    A: You don’t? Hmm, it must be ‘cos all my female readers are higher beings so they have powers of invisibility that are beyond your comprehension. I alone can read their comments. Yep, that’s got to be it.

  • Q: Why are your commenters only men?
    A: Aww, you have a problem with that? Why, I have just the solution for you! Here is how you can help change that. Aw, no biggie. You can thank me later by stopping by and commenting. Post-op of course.

My beguiling charms

  • Q: People read your blog only because you are female.
    A: Oooh, thank you for your faith in the allure of my gender. As it turns out, my being a female precludes me from being capable of writing anything readable. People read my blog only for my feminine wiles and charms, *coy blush* and not for what I have to say. And sadly, silly me didn’t get the memo explaining these fine intricacies of the blogging world. Tch tch. What a waste. Apparently I could have written about how my dog ate pickled prunes and pooped and all of you would have come along and lapped it up willingly. Ugh.

    While that speaks very highly of my aforementioned wiles, *obvious eyelash flutter-flutter*, it is so deliciously insulting on so many levels, innit? One, it suggests that I am not capable of writing something that people actually want to read. Two, it suggests that my typical reader, as a habit, leaves their brain on the local train before visiting my blog. Three, it implies that all my readers read my blog only in the hope of getting into my pants. Aww, li’l old me? Really? *giggle giggle* Now I am as delusional as the next person, but not even I, with all my megalomania (and a homonymous website to boot), think that is possible.

    But let us for a moment, for entertainment sake, assume that to be true. So who do you think would have a problem with my commenters’ nefarious agendas, my insidious intentions and the coy song-and-dance routine we are jointly indulging in? Someone who has made it his or her life’s goal to be one of the aforementioned get-into-my-pants-ers, that’s who. Now for that kind person, I have a few words of wisdom — please do unto yourself what others would not do unto you. Enough said.

  • Q: How many men do you flirt with simultaneously?
    A: I’ve never been much about numbers. It’s all about quality, not quantity.

  • Q: Why not me? I am a man too, you know?
    A: Ah, you are? Your mama must be so proud!

  • Q: Will you have a blog fling with me?
    A: Can I fling you from my blog?

  • Q: Do you secretly hope to get sexual gratification from your blog?
    A: Wouldn’t be much of a secret if I told you, would it?

Ah, all done. See, I didn’t want to get diabetic all by myself, so this was just a way of returning some of the suggah. Yeah, I know. Sometimes I am so nice that I make myself nauseous too. But niceties apart, they say you haven’t really arrived until you’ve got someone thoroughly hot and bothered by your very existence. If I’ve managed to make people launch into random vitriolic bombast about a person they know nothing of and care even lesser about, then I MUST be doing something right, no? So yay for me!

Oh, and by the way — don’t forget to pick up that stick on your way out. Thanks much.

148 thoughts on “FA-Q

  1. RS

    Megha, as far as insults are concerned, no one does it better than you! Way to go babe! Your blog absolutely rocks :)

  2. kallu mama

    I take a break from cutting kanda on the pan….wipe my kanda knife …stare deep into the eyes of blossoming womanhood as they slowly rise and fall to coyly to meet my gaze ….and say ……..”It is not love that is blind, but jealousy.” (~Lawrence Durrell, Justine, 1957)

    excerpts from 1997 bhendi bazar police encounter with Kallu Mama

    bullets sped past as kallu hi-jacked a white maruti van and escaped. Underworld rejoices. “Kallu ke naam ki gollee nahee banee” hahahahahahaha laughed Mogambo in his jail cell. A drunk,govinda look a like was accidently shot though.

    on the same day..following converstaion was overheard by a K-11…in the Komitet Gosudarstvennoy Bezopasnosti
    Colonel Ilya: Comrade Direktor…one of our operatives in Bombay was accidently shot….
    Direktor: Oh him ……was he drinking a lot …not driving his truck…and hitting on cute indian women …while tailing indian mafia
    Colonel Ilya: Yes Comrade Direktor!!

  3. gvenum

    *running hard scrambling for the single needed to complete a well deserved Century! Raises his hands, key board, mouse, monitor in celebration and acknowledging the blogworld applause*

    Well well well! I just feel I just watched “Sholay”. Is shtorii mein emoshun hai, drrrrama hai, trrragedii hai, romance hai, acsion hai, pichwada whuppings hai. If there is a Sholay-2 in store in this comment space, I want “whupped” Dubai Prasad in it.

  4. aNTi

    *someone removes the clumsily written Rukhawat khe liye khedh hai board and he lands from mid air and poises to take the next leap toward the fallen maiden when his smile starts to change into something else…

    Background score starts to change tone too, replaced with a guttural moan that seems to come straight from his liver

  5. Prashanth

    War is the father of all and king of all.
    Some he shows as gods, others as men.
    Some he makes slaves, and others free.

    -From Life and Times of Michael K

    ;)

  6. Megha Post author

    [twinky] Welcome! :)

    [RS] Thank you thank you :) It is cathartic to rant from time to time. Glad you liked!

    [kallu] Heh heh :)

    [gvenum] Match ki aakhri gend, aur ye lagaa sixerrrrrr! Gvenum phir champion! And the crowd goes wild! *exits singing Natraj pencil, khoob likhayiye.. *

    [aNTi] Kahaani mein twist? Kya baat hai, beta? Kaana nahin kaaya?

    [silverine] Thankoo to a fellow sufferer. Glad you liked :)

    [fonzter] Thanks!

    [Anon] Hello.

    [Prashanth] Hmm.. :)

  7. twinkletoes

    [anti]
    *wakes up from her heat-induced syncope and sees that Pinkuji(she prefers to think of Him that way becaajh aaph his trademark polka-daat shaart) is moaning and groaning in apparent agony…she gets up,dusts off her saree and goes running-but not in slo-mo, to tend to Pinkuji*

  8. aNTi

    *his right foot touches the ground and starts to buckle. He falls down in slow motion, tongue twirling out just as the teeth bite down, moans increasing in pitch as his torso hits the ground, metres away from the maiden running in slow motion towards him.

    collective sigh from the audience morphing into shreiks

    *he lies on his stomach, a red patch already increasing in radius on his white and pink polka dotted shirt, extending from where a thin shiny metal rod seems to have lodged deep into his back…

    Camera pans to reveal a rapidly exiting pair of feminine chamiya type legs, leaving a trail of arrows cluttering down on the floor behind them

    *he crawls slowly towards the maiden, strength oozing out of him with every instant till he can bear to move no longer. He lies prone himself, whispering…

    “door gagan mein ek tara mujhko lagta hai pyaara.. mujhko mera tara dede…mmmmm….mujhe vo tara dede…”

    A deafening period of SILENCE ensues!

    A handwritten board pops up in front with the words – Mar Gaya Rahul

  9. twinkletoes

    *nahiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii (in a frequency and decibel-level she never knew she could reach)
    pinkoooooooooooooooooooo she screams, and runs to hear him whisper something (that she can’t hear, obviously)…she reaches out to him and sees a “teer” sticking out of his lumbar area….*

  10. bhuvaneshwar chandra srivastava

    Priya Megha
    vikram ke mrityu ka samchaar sunkar humaara hriday vyakul hua. sambhav hai aap aur aapke vaachak ‘vikram’ yah naam sunkar achambhit ho jaayenge, iseeliye samjhaane ki anumati chahte hain.

    ‘viktor’ ka vaastavik naam ‘vikram’ tha. vikram chandra srivastava. wah hamaara judwaa bhai tha. kadaachit aapko aur aapke vaachakon ko yah kathaa anjaani hai. kathaa kuch is prakaar hai.

    (black and white spirals)
    scene cut to kumbh mela in allahbad. daddy-srivastava, mommy-srivastava and two chutku-putku things taking dubkee in river. two evil-looking russians with big handlebar moustaches, moles on their cheeks (battleship potemkin style), and bad sadhu disguises survey the crowd through their binoculars.
    “Praporshchik Ilya, have you found a kandidate”, says the kaptain
    “No komrade kaptain, it’s too krowded”
    The kaptain hits Ilya on the head, nearly dislodging his fake beard, “Here, give it to me!”
    The next scene is filmed through two circles cut out of paper placed on the camera lens to make it look like a binocular view. A little kid takes a dubkee and comes out of the water shaking his head. He picks his ear and is puzzled to find a sardine head in it. He flicks it away.
    “There, that one!”
    Ilya comes running along the river bank, fake beard bobbing, picks up the other kid by mistake, puts him in a gunny sack, and runs away. Mommy-srivastava turns around to find her little baby gone. She screams, “Naheen”.
    ***

    saara dosh mera tha. machhali mere kaan se nikli thi aur is baat ko jeevan bhar viktor ne bhugata. is jag mein kitna anyaay hai.

  11. Megha Post author

    [Bhuvie] I originally wrote a response to you, but have since deleted it. I think this tale of ours deserves a post of its own. So, coming soon to a blog near you.

    [Richa] Thanks Richa! Touché!

    [./w] Glad :)

  12. Manoj

    Yeps thats true. Pulling de heart strings is much easier dan tickling de funny bone. Claps Claps Claps for Megha. You make my lungs go vrooooooooommmmmmm.

  13. iii

    well…Its sad that there always a bunch of people who drag us all through the mud. Apparently patience has its limits :-)..

    Its wonderful that you are tackling this with your usual subtelty and the occasional in your face humor.

    hmmm true its tough to make people laugh, but its not always easy to tug at their heart strings either…(or take you through the various melange of emotions other than laughter…joy, anger, etc etc) most attempts at that turns out as endless whining, gloating atificial or stands out as tacky and forced just as humor can too. Very few can make you walk in their shoes and make you understand what they feel.

    *deftly putting in my foot* ok ok dont close the door…am not evangelizing…ah I see a partee…let me loosen my tie.. and boogie…and oh by the way..i have business proposition and no its not amway.. what THAT stick!…er (back pedalling furiously) no…maybe this wasnt a good time…my business card…er what? shove it where. Beam me up scotty now! now! now!

  14. iii

    Talking from the safety of the mothership:
    Oh I have 2 suggestions:
    is it feasible at all for you to make a link from your replies back to the original comment? and if so can you make it available for Anti and twinkletoes also!!! hheheh nuthing like watching a hindi movie without the annoying interruptions with other news (comments)brrt fast forward…. This esp necessary here as theres like 115 comments and counting..my scroll button is busted…going back and forth. :-|

    and 2) As you explicitly stated, this is not a regional (tam) blog..but you like it or not Tams and AMs (and maybe some hams?) like your blog. Some of us dont know hindi either :-D. (*oink, oink*) I know you cant translate the bhaiyya stuff, it will become lost in translation, but for the rest can you recruit some volunteers to translate or..the commenters themselves can leave a translation?
    Just a thought, and

    to the desh bhakth people yes Hindi is still the national language Peace out bharat mata ki jai etc.., ..but not for AMs and Hams..and seriously you cant expect Tom Dick and hari to learn Pig latin :-|?

  15. twinkletoes

    [iii]
    pardon me for being a total ignoramus, but wot does “hams” and “AMs” mean?
    :o)

    [aNTi]
    na jao saiyyan chudaaa ke baiyyan kasam tumhare-mein ro padungi, (sob sniffle) , ro padungi….
    translation:
    don’t go , my daahling, disentangling my hand, promise on you, i will cry fall, (sob sniffle), cry fall…

  16. iii

    Hams= pigs? ham pork?
    Ams= Americans

    Disclaimer:
    the juxtapostion was purely to rhyme :-D not to mean they are related in any ways :-D

  17. Rajesh J Advani

    *Rises from the audience teary-eyed at the plight of [twinkletoes], then looks at [aNTi] and begins a chant*

    Chain kuli ki main kuli ki chain!
    Chain kuli ki main kuli ki chain!

  18. Bhanu

    Megha,

    A post that can be expected only from you. I was thinking in the recent past about how wonderful your blog is and why we are so attracted to it. And then, this post had to come…did not know that there are folks who have anything but awe for this blog.

    While there could be hazaar motives for you to maintain this blog, I just wanted to thank you for bringing a smile to many of us. You take us through a range of emotions with the magic of your words. After reading your writings, one gets inspired and realizes even more, the power of ‘words’. And well written words are yours. A reflection of a brilliant mind with a deep connection to life in its fullest.

    Thank you for your energy, spirit and humor.

  19. Palak.... Nope not like the veggie

    My cheeks hurt, I have tummy cramps, I will have to have this grin surgically removed ( but my plastic surgeon says its a hopeless case). Now who’s gonna marry this toothy grinned gujju?? My mom’s distraught and dad’s shaking his head in disappointment as he remembers the time I sang “Papa kehte hain bada naam karega” and now that’s never gonna come true because his son has become a laughing idiot. Miss (or Mrs.) Megha you certainly made my day… Funniest blog I’ve read in a long time.

  20. Raghu Karnad

    Dear Megha,

    A word of introduction: my name is Raghu Karnad, I’m a small-time blogger and a member of the Blank Noise Project, a campaign (active in Bangalore, mobilizing slowly in Delhi) to formulate and enact responses to “normal” sexual harassment. I dont want to speak for the whole campaign, so for more, go here: http://www.blanknoiseproject.blogspot.com/

    Here’s the message (sorry, I couldnt find your email):

    To recognize Women’s Day, and as part of an effort to build a core constituency that is aware of the Blank Noise Project, we’re organizing a blogathon for Tuesday, the 7th of March. Blank Noise is asking other bloggers to post about their experiences of sexual harassment – as a victim, perpetrator or bystander – at work, at home or in the public sphere. On International Women’s Day, which is March 8th, it would be exciting to see the theme of harassment become audible on the Indian and diasporic blogosphere.

    I think you could help this spread like wildfire.

    If you will participate, email blurtblanknoise@gmail.com to let us know – then on March 7th, we’ll link to all the participating bloggers from the Blank Noise homepage, and hopefully it will be an archive that will help us understand and stay angry about harassment. For the time being, it would be great if participants posted on their blogs in anticipation, to spread the word. We particularly need help propagating the idea to vernacular blogs.

    BNP’s target audience isn’t really the blogging community, but the Delhi arm of the campaign is a young one and this will be a encouraging step, whether effective or just symbolic, towards interventions closer to the street.

    Hit us up with any questions you have about the blogathon or the campaign as a whole.
    Thanks,

    Raghu

  21. Essar

    I was pretty offended to learn that some of your admirers actually believe that only men read this blog. Because, we woman do too. It’s just that we’re coy and shy and refrain from commenting all the time, so there!
    And Megha, don;t you think that this way, your admirers actually give you a lot of dope to write about. How else would you churn out such a brilliant FAQ?

  22. Sriram

    *curses profoundly since he wasn’t the one to nudge a single (read comment) to get the score to 125.*

    I.. Umm… well….
    *lost for words at the disappointment of not bringing the score to 150*
    *in Terminator ishtyle* I’ll bee Baack!

  23. Pingback: A walk in the clouds.. »

  24. Bad Hair Day

    The WWW has totally confused people on, where an opinion ends and slander begins?
    Good of you to be posting this. Very nicely written.
    And Jesus, such a difficult scrolling this is proving to be with some 100 plus comments. To be honest, I am most of the times in this feeling of awe when I come here.

  25. Bad Hair Day

    Er don’t mean to spam, but I just realized what Ms Soup meant when she refers to the sisterhood here! Is hilarious. Actually all you women who have been a ‘victim’ of the trolls must consider having something like that in place, a la Naari Mukti Mandal sorts. I am so jealous now.
    I think that is what I need to work towards – Getting a stalker! :)

    Before you fling me out of your Blog, let me fling myself out!

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  27. suraj

    hi megha.
    ur blog rocks.
    but what is this all going on here. i have read many blogs but this is the 1st blog where i C posts for commenters.and ppl fighting.

    whatever U R BLOG ROCKS.

    cheers.

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  29. Akhila

    Am a regular to your blog. Saw a lovely short film titled “Me,Meera” about Hyderabad the other day at Alliance Francaise. The narration by Meera and her language so reminded me of you!!! Please tell me you wrote it!!! Or, are you just related to http://www.subhakar.com in collge or something??!!

  30. Srivalli

    Hilarious!…Can’t remember since my last PGwoodhouse times, I have read something so out of this world ramblings….keep it up…or you may keep it down too…ha ha..

  31. Rajtilak Bhattacharjee

    hi megha, not the first time that i came across such an unusual blog, yet the feeling of ecstasy and and surprise is still the same like it was always. thank you for gifting us with such a nice blog. would definitely like to keep in touch with you (and with victorrrrr) if you and he does not mind. dont get to meet interesting personality everyday. would be waiting to hear from you soon. till then you take care and keep smiling :)

  32. chitty cat

    hee hee,

    well here are some more for u: (cant wait to read ur answers lol!)

    1. how come ur not going down the desi satc/desi carrie bradshaw blogger style that is getting all the attention these days?

    2. would u classify your blog as ‘chick-lit’?

    :P

  33. Kaala Kavva

    Oh man.. What a coincidence.. I wrote something pretty similar once but yours is much more detailed. Click on my name and see. I’ve spent ages looking for silly and pointless blogs. I used to read and enjoy my own blogs but then I stopped writing and I had nowhere to go! Now I’m gonna read yours. btw, is there any other silly one you’d recommend?

    “Who says Asha Parekh’s posterior or a cow’s dialect are not serious enough issues? ”
    I couldn’t agree more! Blogosphere reeks with stories about education, politics .. and similar BS. Who will write the other stuff?

  34. kumar

    mee blog chala bagundi, charming and insightful
    reflects very good taste …. i’d give you an award if i could upload it

  35. Amar

    Hi Megha! This could be the welcome end to a l-o-n-g search…for Akanksha Mathur. I Googled her name and found an old reference on a blogspot of The Smugbug which had yr post mentioning that you were a friend of Akanksha, the Lakme TV commercial model. Was yr friend at NIFT in Delhi? Does she hv a father who was in the merchant navy? And a maternal grandfather who in 1980 worked with ITC (the cigarette company) and lived in their residential colony in Saharanpur (UP)? I am a creative director in advertising, grey in the head and long in the tooth, and many summers ago (as in 1980) while writing & photographing for a feature in the ITC News (house magazine), I shot some great B&W pics of this li’l kid Akanksha & her littler sis, one of which appeared in the issue. The best pic ( an expression of exasperation) never got published and the image is with me…the pride of my people portraits. Years later in Delhi, a model co-ordinator I knew mentioned an Akanksha (Mathur) whose parents were a Hindu-Muslim combo but couldn’t trace her mom’s address…and the trail ran cold. So, dear gal, can you provide a link so that if yr friend is the same Akanksha, I can complete a mission and send her that prized image from 29 years ago. Thanks in anticipation. Cheers! Amar

  36. Rakesh

    In any case, would you rather be full of me, instead?

    Honestly, I am full of you at the moment having read all the previous posts from the archive.
    I now realize how horribly wrong I was when I thought humor was exclusively men’s forte. Why don’t you start writing books ? I’m sure you must have known about the Chetan Bhagath phenomenon. There is currently a huge untapped market for the unconventional style fiction of the kind you write, here in India. With the ever growing numbers of english educated middle classes lapping up whatever the foreign and culturally alien literature has to offer (like harry potter), I’m sure your fiction would be a huge success given how easy it is to relate to your themes and entertaining style. All the best.

    gulti girl raasina blog ani non-telugu friends andariki garvanga forward chestunnanu. Thanks for the fun. Eagerly waiting for the next post. You haven’t written anything for quite sometime now. Pliss write a new post :)

  37. Mythili

    Completey off-topic. There actually is an oyster bar in Seattle – Walrus and Carpenter. Recent addition to our food scene :) The cook must be LC fan :)

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