I write ungodly long comments, that nobody reads. Snifff-full. At least, that’s what I’m going to believe, so I can strike a dejected Meena Kumari type pose and you all can chime in with ‘awwwws’ and tell me that it is not true. Yeah yeah. Anyway, on a more serious note — I think I babble a lot in the commentspace and I’d like to start putting up some of that yak yak as regular posts. This way I can —

• Claim to write more frequently. Heh.
• Mention my commenters ocassionally in my posts and win cookie points. (Raspberry shortbread be our favorite, just so you know. Nah, never cared much for brownies.)
• Make you think twice before writing a nasty comment thinking nobody will notice it. Yes, it will be resurrected here in all its delicious glory to be flogged long after it is dead.

So to jumpstart the new tradition, here’s something from the commentspace of a post from about a month ago. A random remark of mine about Gult porn prompted some comments about the attractiveness (or lack thereof) of the Gult race. So I started to think about it. Which as some of you already know, is always and with no exceptions, a very bad idea. So here are my sweeping generalizations on the matter. Mostly cos I don’t have anything better to do at the moment.

Oh by the way, this is likely to piss off all my male Gult readers (four, at last count?) but stereotyping is so much fun. Plus the way I see it, if I am proved right, then yay me. And if I am proved wrong, then double yay me.

Sooo, Google searches seem to indicate that there is a dearth of Gult porn on the net. Which leads one to believe that either (a) it is non-existent OR (b) it is sooo good, that nobody wants to share it freely on the net. Since the latter is not likely (everything is free, one just needs to know how to find it), let us dissect the matter further, biology frog types.

• The women

  Gult women are usually considered attractive. And not just to Gult men, although that’s an altogether special kind of romance. Arrey! You have four middle names? I also have four middle names! We were meant to be soulmates! Gush gush, blush blush. Public opinion also indicates that whether it is the more oomphy Sridevi and Jayaprada or the more demure and twinkly Waheeda Rehman, Gult women certainly have what it takes to make the men go sigh baba. (Let’s not get into a parochial argument about where Sridevi is from, pliss.)

  And this is not just about movie stars. Heck, even aNTi vouches for the fact that he knows a good number of Gult chamiyas. (A word we are proud to have taught him.) It is an altogether different matter that he claims to be ‘undeservingly single’ which makes one wonder what the deal is. But we’ll be tactful and not ask. Oh wait, I forgot. He is busy watching Kama Sutra with a ‘discerning eye’, so he has no time for them babes. The movie probably appeals to the soft core of the violent volcano that he is. Is it just me, or did that actually sound dirty? Never mind.

  But coming back to the point (You didn’t think there was one, did you? Ha!) demure saree-nudging and porn are two different things altogether, and perhaps we Gults are really good at the former, but have suspect skills in the latter? Now, to counter that, you might throw the more in-your-face-sex-appeal Sameera Reddy and Meghna Naidu types at me. (Well dammit, they won’t throw themselves at me, so you’re gonna have to do it!) But those are exceptions to the rule rather than the rule itself. No? Feel free to suggest otherwise with examples.

• The men

  Ah yes, now we come to my real area of concern. NTR and ANR, Sobhan Babu and Murali Mohan, Chandra Mohan and Mohan Babu, my-dhobi-Mohan and Mohan-the-pan-shop-owner, Venkatesh and Nagarjuna, Balakrishna and Rajendra Prasad, Uday Kiran and Pawan Kalyan. Sure, they are fine specimens of manhood and all. And sure, they’ve worn red pants and yellow shirts, and at least half of them have thrust their hips obscenely. (Which probably led to the creation of the other half. Heh. Bad Megha. Sheesh.) But to lust after them is a rather scary and distasteful thought for both Gult and non-Gult women, methinks. Unless you have a thing for bushy eyebrows. Then you’re all set. No no, we’re not judgemental. Whatever tickles your fancy.

  And the one time I had a thing for a Southie hero, it was Karthik and he turned out to be Tam. Tchah. (It was right after watching Mouna Raagam, so cut me some slack please.) Oh by the way, I’ve left Chiru out of this list intentionally, of course. He’s special. Am sure you understand.

  Again, it is not just movie stars. Truth be told, there’s very few drop-dead gorgeous Gult men I have met/known/seen in my life. The women who read this blog, please to back me up on this. One time I thought I met a Gult who made my heart go thud-thud, he turned out to have half-Punjabi blood in him. Another time a Gult specimen got me all hubba-hubba, he opened his mouth and said — what is your good name, myaadam, and broke my heart. Yes, it does matter how they speak. Has the Deepak-Malhotra-pallo episode taught us nothing? (If you didn’t get that reference, you need to brush up on your pointless Hindi movie trivia from the early 90s.)

  Mind you, I am not saying there aren’t delectable Gult studs. I am just saying I haven’t met them yet. So all of you studmuffin readers of mine, not to go taking offense and all. (The non-studmuffins can take offense, no problemo.) Also, we are very willing to change our mind on this opinion we hold, so if you know people who defy this stereotype, don’t hesitate to introduce and all, okay? And please to not show them this blog post. Thenkewverrymuch.

So my conclusion is this. Gult women — Hot. Coy, but hot. Gult men — Eh. And maybe, the combination is what prevents Gult porn from happening? Opinions solicited, of course. And if you’re planning to take this post seriously and send me email bombs and leave nasty comments, may I remind you what apna Sallu advised everyone, while shaking his bum in 70mm glory — Beliya, dil se mila le dil .. just chill chill, just chill.