Monday, April 10, 2006
Deadant
Yello all. Pink and blue too. Despite my furiously insisting that I don’t write the ‘my dog ate pickled prunes and puked’ variety of posts, I have gone and done just that. Bah. What’s worse is that I neither have a dog nor pickled prunes. Double bah.
So, it turns out, I have had absolutely nothing to say for two weeks. Guess Calvin found a customer after all. The first time this happened, I drew a doodle. The second time, I wrote a poem, even. Okay, so I resorted to underhand tactics like Salma Agha’s silver tights so you wouldn’t notice how sidey it was. But it could have been worse. It could have been Bappi wearing the same tights. So there. All the Bappi fans in the audience (two?) can relax and put the gold chains away. We like Bappi, we really do. And if you treat us kindly, we’ll even do a post on his music, one of these days.
Anyway, so that should explain my absence for the last two weeks.
In other exciting news from my world, an ant family has taken up residence in my house. While I never uttered a gracious — aayiye aayiye, ise apnaa hii ghar samajhiye (Translated: Come and pliss to unhesitatingly pile on.) they assumed I meant it anyway. And the head-ant of the family is quite the character. Head-ant not to be confused with dead-ant, who hummed the Pink Panther theme tune — deadant deadant deadant-deadant-deadant deadant-deadaaaaaaant deadant-deadant. Yeah, so it seems it is a kumbh mela separated long-lost cousin of mine or something, seeing as it has arrived with exactly six hundred twenty four aunts, uncles, nephews, nieces and cousins. (Cue to chorus of I am the Monarch of the Sea from Gilbert and Sullivan’s HMS Pinafore.) And don’t ask how I know their exact number of ants or you will be made to suffer the Birbal-counting-crows joke.
And, much like my relatives, they refuse to leave. Stomping them out, flooding them into the sink (they just crawl out when the water stops), luring them with strategically placed chocolate-flavored ant-bait (it just makes me crave chocolate, but they still won’t die) — nothing seems to work. Gah. But no worry, we have armed ourselves with Raid Extra-Strength Ant Killer Spray. Now the trick is to run around the house and go phusssss six hundred twenty four times. Sure, I can do it. Hum honge kaamyaab ek din.
Be back soon to tell you all about my exciting Sunday. But I go now.
LOL!
try hanging one of the ants as an example,
let its deadbody hang for a couple of days,
as a reminder to any ant that’s not a deadant yet.
Monday, April 10, 2006 @ 4:54 PM
na bangaru kannamlo velu pettithe kuttana ;-)
Monday, April 10, 2006 @ 5:15 PM
Oh to be a fly on the wall to watch you run around the house and go phusssss six hundred twenty four times.
No, wait, scratch that, no, don’t spray the wa..argh.
Monday, April 10, 2006 @ 7:18 PM
Aaaj Monday hiii… aaj Sunday ke baare mein blog karne ka dhin hiii.
Monday, April 10, 2006 @ 8:03 PM
Did you try crooning Yaar Bina Chen Kaha Re while wearing Bappi-style clothes ? Mebbe the ants will then good-bye ? I frequently resort to this trick to clear my office of “undesirable” folks !!
Can we get the Bappi post now ?
GHE
Monday, April 10, 2006 @ 8:13 PM
Reminds me of the day me and my roomies used to chase a cockroach around the house, well at least the main hall (ek cockroach bachke oosse aage nahi gaya aaj tak hamare haath se etc etc). Never knew the use of “Usage Instructions” like spray in all corners blah-se-blah-tak. They just don’t get the particles if every individual one of them is not sprayed, or else they just keep spreading.
And as for the family taking word out of your mind, well its the thoughts that matter and all that…
So waiting to hear the result of your war. (Looks like this is one of the posts to give more info about your self ;)
Monday, April 10, 2006 @ 10:58 PM
Why dont you propogandise the torture you subject the wee lil antsies to? May be the PETA will come running to relieve them…and i mean not just blogs…poster away
Tuesday, April 11, 2006 @ 2:48 AM
Hiya
Da best way & da most gruesome way to kill those antz is to make them listen to Reshamiya’s songs…You dont even need to put in a great effort. Just switch on any music channel & da dude in baseball hat will be there..when that song is over, switch to another channel n he’s there also. Keep doing this & da antz will be history..
And then u can also sing uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu deadant deadant deadant deadant deadant deadant deadant deadant deadant deadant deadant deadant deadant deadant in a nasal voice
Gr8 post…
Cheers!!
Tuesday, April 11, 2006 @ 4:41 AM
Ants? Did you try aNTi?
Tuesday, April 11, 2006 @ 5:58 AM
Well, I recently got a tip on how to get rid of cockroaches, but I think it might work for ants too. It’s akin to what Shri said, although you specifically need to sing “Aashiq Banaya Aapne” and that should get rid of them since the song is a HIT.
Tuesday, April 11, 2006 @ 6:52 AM
What did you expect ? You know what PGW said about them…. “Ants arent gentlemen” :)
I personally find lizards more irritating …but then who cares about that !
Tuesday, April 11, 2006 @ 7:19 AM
Kindly Get in touch..
mail me at akshay.bihari@webchutney.net
Akshay Bihari Lall
Tuesday, April 11, 2006 @ 7:36 AM
Now we have our own version of the “Ant Story”.
So, when is the movie releasing?
Cheers,
HP
Tuesday, April 11, 2006 @ 9:16 AM
Arrey .. yeh Akshay Bihari Lall kaun hai ? :)
And may your head ant soon become a dead ant, so we may hear more from you.
Tuesday, April 11, 2006 @ 9:17 AM
CC: We are not a specimen of the Tapirus indicus kind, so we will not be able to help anyone with such problems that are often best handled by the good people at your local pest control service. We urge you not to propogate such half truths. :p
Bah.. this place seems to be full of such people. Let a honest man be, I say!
Tuesday, April 11, 2006 @ 10:46 AM
[Anti] Were you the second Bappi-da fan M alluded to? As I pointed out, mebbe the ants are a divine intervention for her hidden agenda against all BnB fans !!
Tuesday, April 11, 2006 @ 11:23 AM
“Da best way & da most gruesome way to kill those antz is to make them listen to Reshamiya’s songs…”
LOLZ. I vote for this. The ants won’t know what hit them!
Tuesday, April 11, 2006 @ 11:34 AM
Oh, them poor poor ants…. but say, what happens to were-wolves like us?*agonized look on face and then screams in hero-who-lost-his-beloved-tree-hugging-heroine (not to be mistaken with Herion*..Aaaaaaaaaaaa…….. Me and my big mouth! Did i just let out me big secret that am a were-wolf? Oh pray. please don’t spray us with wolf-off pliss….. :D
There, now that we have piled on, let us go and stalk some innocent deer or human. (And I really hope Dick Cheney’s around hunting quail, as long as I ain’t his hunting partner :P)
Tuesday, April 11, 2006 @ 11:44 AM
[megha]
hey… maybe you could get an anteater as a pet and create a nice food chain at home-it would be entertaining too….(not to the ants, though…)
Tuesday, April 11, 2006 @ 12:29 PM
mmm.. ants. i like very much. especially ant chutney.
Tuesday, April 11, 2006 @ 3:48 PM
Hum honge Kaamyaab …
Weevil/come
Tuesday, April 11, 2006 @ 8:38 PM
you have the problem and the solution in the post itself… you have ants and you have bhappi da to be more precise… oh not to mention, in the same ORDER too…
try playing bhappi da’s famous LAAVERS… NIGHT LAAVERS or YOU ARE MY CHICKEN FRY songs in your house once every day for 5 days and it will ensure that all the 624 (assuming none of them have consummated and the count going up to 6240) ants have disappeared in those 5 days…
it is not tried or tested, but given the situation you are in, as they say “waqt aane par gadhe ko bhi baap banana padta hai”, bhappi is your gadha and his songs are your baap… all the best
Wednesday, April 12, 2006 @ 12:09 AM
Aww, I loved the Salma Agha post. Second on my list after the Chiranjeevi post. I also like it when people say “so there”. Of course, I just said it in my head five times and now it just sounds weird.
Between the Birbal crow-counting and the ‘deadant’ music, thanks for the lovely flahback. It’s nice to know things that made me laugh as a kid still crack me up. Okay, Birbal didn’t make me laugh, but I still marvel at the remarkable wit.
Also, just read the post on attractiveness quotients and all. One word - Ouch!
Wednesday, April 12, 2006 @ 4:33 AM
[Potato] Since you so kindly suggested, we went ahead and did just that. Took a picture of it too, that we’re gonna turn into a poster, on [Brat]’s suggestion. Here, for all to see -
[xyz] Oh my! That one line brought back a whole host of memories with my grandparents. And of hot summer afternoons spent on the porch of what used to be an ancestral home and is now a heap of bricks. And to top it all, my mum has an audio recording of a four-year-old me narrating that entire story with a lisp .. all the way to the end where it goes - kuttanaaa?! mari kuttanaaaa?! She threatens to use the said tape for blackmail, of course. Sigh. Thanks for refreshing memories :)
[ZZ] We don’t phuss flies. For that we find <swattttttt> to be far more effective.
[aNTi] Heh heh :) That post is supposed to have audio links and all, so taking a little time to write it. Plus your brothers, the ants, are keeping us busy. So pliss to waito. Honest man, aa? Where where?
[Hokie] Hello? Aren’t you supposed to the BnB president? And YOU of all people do such public insult of Bappi’s fashion sense? Tsk tsk. Ghor kalyug only, I tell you.
[Fleiger] Exactly! The general spraying in the area is of absolutely no help, which is why I need to do six hundred twenty four phussses! And to make matters worse, I can never seem to spot two ants at the same time, so I can’t kill two with one phuss either! But I am not one to give up. Thirty eight phussses down, five hundred eighty six to go. <Exits singing - Hogi shaanti chaaron or, ek din .. hoo man mein hai vishwaas, poora hai vishwaas ..>
[Brat] Upon your gentle suggestion, and [Potato]’s idea, I have come up with the first image for a poster. Please to see above. Catchy taglines and further ideas will be most appreciated.
[Shri] Oooh, brilliant idea this is! When Bappi fails, bring in the big ones! The only problem is that along with the ants, I might have to flush myself down the toilet too. Ah well. Shall execute idea, and let you know what happens :)
[Ravages] I did. But the ants thought he was an aunty so they all went into hiding. Except the one ant that was keeping a lookout - the vigilante.
[Amateur Blogger] Ah I like the HIT funda. Although I was intending to go with -
jhalak dikhlaaaa jaaaaa
jhalak dikhlaaaa jaaaaa
ek baar aajaa aajaa aajaa aajaa aaaaaajaaaaa
When the curious ant emerges wanting to know who’s whining for it .. phusssssss!
[Ganesh] Welcome to a fellow lizard-hater. Ants are just annoying and it is much fun chasing them around the house. But lizards are a whole different ballgame. Creepy, slimey, disgusting creatures. They are also one of the few creatures that I get too queasy about to actively seek and kill. (Am sure nobody needed to know that information.) Have killed rats, spiders, even snakes! But lizards .. shudder. Especially that tail that gets left behind. UGH. And then there are those who have had lizards as pets. Sigh.
[Akshay Bihari Lall] This is probably spam, but with a name like that I don’t have the heart to delete your comment. So hello :)
[Hariprasad] After Antz (1998) and A Bug’s Life (1998) I don’t think there’s much point in my selling my story to the studios :)
[Bhim] Thankoo thankoo :) Aapke mooh mein ghee shakkar. Rather you eat it than the ants, anyway.
[Kranthi] Yesh, it is indeed a brilliant plan :)
[Sriram] Er? Were-wolves? *looks around nervously making sure she is surrounded by generous gobs of humanity*
[Twinky] That would be a cool idea, except that your lou has gone and refused to be one, so am still looking for an alternative. Suggest pliss?
[the mad cook] Recipe please?
[?!] Heh. Weevil/come Σ Day.
[Rumpy] Haven’t done a head-count lately. Will ask their accountant and find out. Also, I haven’t been able to lay my hands on Night Labhers yet. If have, please to send. In the meantime I am going to work with Silent Lovers, which is of a slightly older vintage. With Kishore and Asha singing to Bappi’s music, it just might do the trick. Then again, depending on the musical inclinations of the ants, it might lead them to feel romantic and multiply. Sigh. At least they’ll be silent, I suppose.
[Andy E] Agree about Birbal. Didn’t make me laugh out loud. (Except for this one story. But we’ll get into that some other time. Too long for the commentspace.) But always left me marveling at how witty one could be. True of Tenali Ramakrishna stories too. I particularly like that bit where he (Tenali not Birbal) angers Durga by eating both the milk and the curd. She turns into Mahakali complete with ten heads and he promptly burst into laughter. Durga is naturally confused. Ten heads = Ten times the fear, usually. Laughter doesn’t quite fit into the scheme of things? Tenali then explains that he imagined what it would be like if Durga caught a cold. How many noses would she be perpetually wiping! For some reason, I crack up at that story every time! Teaches you to look for humor in every situation in life, I think :)
We wondered how you had nothing to say on the Gult Attractiveness Quotient post, but we are most happy at the ouch response. And thankoo. The Chiru and Salma Agha posts are amongst our favorites as well. So there :)
Wednesday, April 12, 2006 @ 5:18 PM
[megha]
how can i be suggesting an alternative to my lou?
no say that, megha, no say it …. (violins in backgound)
he goes, but i waitings…like the bharatiya nari that i is….
maybe these ants be the an(T)swer to bringing him byaaack….
Wednesday, April 12, 2006 @ 5:58 PM
What a worthless piece of crap this blog is turning out to be. You deserved to be congratulated, so decided to do the due. Congrats!! :)
Wednesday, April 12, 2006 @ 6:43 PM
[Twinky] Arrey baba, not an alternative to your lou. He is non-replaceable, one of a kind types, and the world is rejoicing muchly for that. No other gent in the world would sit in stern silence while an abala naari pines for him, you know.
We were only talking about an alternative to ant-annihilation.
[Nikhilesh] Er? Thanks .. I guess? *remembers that mom warned her not to feed the wild monkeys* *puts on her best fake smile and starts to back away slowly*
Wednesday, April 12, 2006 @ 11:40 PM
I felt like thousand ants biting me together.
Pentakumari..Hexakumari..Octakumariii…pleej don unleash them on us
Instead..uleash donkeys ,cows and your favourite ghosts(!) as usual..They are more entertaining.
Thursday, April 13, 2006 @ 8:45 AM
I have an idea that might help:Its called the Ant-Qaeda method.
First find the most likely traitor ant. Lure him into attending one of your sermons, and brainwash him into believing that the other ants are all non-believers. Then load him with a few micrograms of RDX and send him on a suicide bombing mission. Its okay if he cant fly planes. You will need to place copious amounts of sugar on the floor to attract a whole crowd of ants to a particular spot, before that, for maximum impact.
Let me know if it worked for you.
Thursday, April 13, 2006 @ 12:15 PM
[Megha] We are vegetarian. So no ants, shants. First it was our language, then our hobbies. Now it is our diet? And what next? Our dancing? Baaah… Btw, now, who are we talking about? If we are talking about me, we have been in a continuous state of locomotion and when we are not, we are prone on our back, tired from all the exertion and dead to the rest of the world for six hours and then back up again in locomotion. And we certainly are not silent. We sing to ourselves, you know…
*sets his violins down, in the background..and takes a step forward, sky blue sweater knotted loose, around his neck with the golden leaves of autumn falling gently all round him…
[Twinkieji] Aaap humein galath samaj rahein hain.. Aapka “lou” hi tho yahaan L Subramanian ki thara violin baja raha tha. Hum aapke paas the..paas hain aur paas hi rahenge. Par hum zyaada der yaahan nahi rukhenge. Hum kahi aur jaayenge….Kahi dhooor…jahaan is zaalim duniya humein choo na sakegi. Jaahan taare din bar chamkenge, raath khali khwaab mein aayegi aur aapke gale kaa haar banengi. Aap mere yahaan aayenge?
*puts his violin and bow on his shoulder and points to yonder.
Thursday, April 13, 2006 @ 1:57 PM
[antiji]
aapki madhur baani sunkar man ki veena ke taar bajne lage (pingpingpingping)
abhi mein kavita krishnamurthy ke style mein gaana ga rahi huun….kya aapne kuch sunaa?
aap bulayen aur hum na ayen, aisa katai nahi hoga…
hum kaise aayenge, agar aap humko lekar nahi jaayenge?
Thursday, April 13, 2006 @ 3:45 PM
[Anti, twinkletoes]
Cool! Nice masala!
*grabs popcorn and excitedly anticipates the love birds breaking into the Jeetender & Jayaprada duet from Simhasanam — ‘aaksam lo oka taara, naa kosam vachindi eevela’*
Thursday, April 13, 2006 @ 6:01 PM
[gvenum] Shaanth.. g(adha(dhaari))venum.. shaanth.. :p
[Twinkieji] Hum yahaan se vahaan jaa rahe hain. Aap bhi aayengi?
Thursday, April 13, 2006 @ 8:57 PM
[antiji]
yeh “vahaan” kahaan hai?hamein toh kuch nazar nahi aayaa..
:o(
Thursday, April 13, 2006 @ 9:54 PM
[aniyan] Ooh, I likey this penta-hexa-octa business. Wonder what seventeen is? Should look it up pronto! Yes, I do love cows. But ghosts are my favorite? And donkeys? Umm? Pliss to shed light in the the matter?
[Srihari] Okay, before I embark on this experiment, let me run my checklist by you -
* Few grams of RDX
* One dabba of sugar
* Inflammatory literature/pamphlets
* Audio tape with subliminal messages
* Micro earphones (to play above audio tape)
* Alternative place of residence for self until the dust settles down
* MIB-style memory-messer-upper thingy so the neighbors don’t remember a thing
Anything else that I might be missing? :)
[aNTi] Er? When did I try to feed you ants? (You might be anty, but that’s your own doing!) Or question your vegetarianism? Your movie tastes was a different matter altogether. But I can see they are improving (more on that below). As for your language, please to not that we have not mocked your language in a long time. Else we’d have said a thing or two about dhin. Who along with its twin brother chak contributes to much of the dance music of today, as you might know.
Much impressed with the Chopra routine though, I must say. Very pleased that you finally graduated from Kama Sutra to more fruitful ventures like Mohobbatein and Veer Zaara. While that may not bode well for your discerning eye, I am guessing that SRK as a role model has a higher likelihood of success with the gushing ladies. Speaking of which - You ingrate! Here I am trying to play Cupid for you and you try to steal her away from my blog itself? Chee chee!
[Twinky] Thank you for pretending to not understand this devious man’s machinations and not letting him steal you away from here!
[gvenum] Aha! Perfect song choice since [aNTi] will be singing it to a twinkly little star! Nice. Very nice :)
Friday, April 14, 2006 @ 12:18 AM
*sings
Jab mein chotta bachcha tha, badi shararat kartha tha, meri chori pakdi jaathi;
Roshan tha Bajaj.
Ab mein bilkul bada hoon, paani peekar sotha hoon. meri chori pakdi jaathi;
Roshan tha Bajaj.
* rapidly exits thinking After all tomorrow is another day
Friday, April 14, 2006 @ 12:36 AM
Mmm… aNTi, jahaan zaalim duniya usse choo na sakegi is about the one line right. Promising her Choos might make her choose you. But lil loving you gonna get if raat comes khali in khwaab to you. Raat kali ? Rat Kali ?
==> is assailed by trident bearing rodents and sprints
Friday, April 14, 2006 @ 12:52 AM
Sigghhh aNTi, wrong his story. If ya gonna publish the fact that your chori used to get caught while ya writhiked away on your Bajaj, not establishing a good record.
Stay back and face music,unleash the hardcore !
Friday, April 14, 2006 @ 1:33 AM
Well done! A perfect checklist. Do include this experiment as an achievement in your resume, bin Laden will be mightily impressed with that. The only thing I would perhaps suggest to add to your complete list, just as an inspiration, is a full blow-up close-up shot of George W. Bush! But anyway, you’ve got it.
Friday, April 14, 2006 @ 1:34 AM
well..Megha, I guess co-existance seems to be the key :) welcome ur new guests ..lol…:D
Friday, April 14, 2006 @ 2:17 AM
[aNTi]
Hrithik was a scooter?
[?!] Raat kali? Rat Kali? ==> is assailed by trident bearing rodents and sprints.
Ouch! LOL! To complete the song -
Trident bearing rodent came in a taxi
And became the loss of the alley
(The original lyrics, for the sake of the rest of the sane audience - raat kali ek khwaab mein aayi, aur gale ka haar hui.)
[Srihari] Goodie :) Will attempt experiment soon.
[raj] Heh, we’re not giving in so easily!
Friday, April 14, 2006 @ 3:01 AM
To continue the song …
SycophAnt : Subah ko jab Yum, neend se jaage, seene menin kyun jhankaar hui ?
Ant-argyaani : Ask not whom the bell tolls for, it tolls for thee…
Ramji ki cheenti, Ramji ka sher. Why this bloodthirstiness ?
PETA or some such has Amala in India. Udhar koi sufficiently droolworthy hai toh pliss to indicate. We shall call.
Friday, April 14, 2006 @ 7:36 AM
[Megha/?!] Yeah.. yeah yeah.. laugh all you want. What am I,but the favorite whipping boy of this blog. :p
I might be “ITrans-cally” challenged. Hell, part of me is even romantically challenged. But I am sure the addressee knows what I am talking about. And that’s all I care. All you nitpickers, I care too hoots… Hmmmph!
Friday, April 14, 2006 @ 12:25 PM
(antiji)
first, the “soft-core-of-a-violent volcano”
and now, “whipping-boy”
good lord, the imagery, the imagery….
Friday, April 14, 2006 @ 12:58 PM
Et tu Twinkieji.. Et tu :(
Friday, April 14, 2006 @ 3:42 PM
[anti]
Julie dahling aside, what can one do when one is so tempted by the sheer “dhinchakness”, (as meghaji would probably say), of the visual possibilities…
Friday, April 14, 2006 @ 5:01 PM
[aNTi] Aww, now see what you went and did. Putting images of tulips and black leather in the minds of innocent country bumpkins like us. And I am not sure if you are ITrans-ically challenged or intrinsically, but am guessing a podcast will put that matter to rest. So what say?
Oh and I am sure Twinkie-ji understands all the subliminal romantic notes you are passing on to her about trident bearing rodents, but the rest of us kids in the class are a very curious sort, so you’ll have to pardon us for being eager to know about the contents of the said notes :)
[Twinkie] My sympathies. The images in my mind are so shudder-worthy, that I am almost tempted to draw them out as a cartoon. But that will surely turn my blog into an R-rated one for life, so am resisting :)
Friday, April 14, 2006 @ 6:03 PM
[megha]
cartoon!!!
nahiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
then you know who’ll be gaaaaaahsping for fresh oxygen ;o)
Friday, April 14, 2006 @ 9:21 PM
Hey, instead of putting a dead ant on display, why don’t you kidnap one of the ants and then ask others to either leave or have the ant killed?
It might just work :)
Saturday, April 15, 2006 @ 6:28 AM
Nice post
he he
Saturday, April 15, 2006 @ 7:51 AM
Aooww your dog ate pickled prunes and pucked!? How sad?
Oh you don’t have a dog!? What a poor thing you must be?
No pickled prunes either!? My goodness, some one adopt this kid.
Sunday, April 16, 2006 @ 9:54 AM
Har har de har! What i laughingly call my mind has become unhinged by your translations “Trident bearing rodent came in a taxi
And became the loss of the alley
(The original lyrics, for the sake of the rest of the sane audience - raat kali ek khwaab mein aayi, aur gale ka haar hui.)” and Writhik Roshan-Bajaj!
BTW, haven’t you heard of Lakshman Rekha? (No, they are not two people whose romance you are going to watch, all ready with your popcorn!)It is a medicated chalk that you draw lines with, all around the ants’ haunts
and when the ants try to cross those lines—chhoo mantar, they are dead ducks—er–I mean—they don’t suddenly jump several notches on the evolutionary scale, er-you know what i mean * backs away with a vague smile*
Tuesday, April 18, 2006 @ 9:32 AM
[Lak] Ya.. everybody get their pop corns. We, the Itrans-challenged of this world, shall sing a few Hindi songs now. :p
[Megha] Feel free to go ahead with translating that into English! And everyone shall laugh, at my expense, if I may add. :p
*sighs and walks away rubbing his red tomato sized nose, singing to himself - Jeena Yahan, marna yahan, iske siva jaana kahaan
Tuesday, April 18, 2006 @ 11:09 AM