Monthly Archives: August 2006

Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears

Hello, howdy, hola and other assorted greetings. Having abandoned this blog for a month, I know it is a bit much to expect that any of you are around, reading it. But since when have I let reality come in the way of what I do here? Plus what is the point of having imaginary friends in one’s kidhood if one cannot parlay the skill into conversations with my non-existent readers? So I shall continue.

Yes, the me is back. And the me is sick. Of course, my disappearance had nothing to do with being sick, but I am naturally going to milk it for its worth. So instead of giving me grief for vanishing, please to be all sweet and sympathetic. Thankoo.

So, about being sick. No I don’t have a nice cough and cold that allows me to speak funkily. I was looking forward to the I god a gold, snibble, thangoo routine, but nopes, no ah-choos for me. I also haven’t broken an arm or a leg so I can proudly show off my cast and elicit sympathy and perhaps some celebrity autographs. Instead I am stuck with something that hurts like hell but has no grandeur associated with it. An ear infection. Now, the last two people I mentioned that to, have reacted with a Really? I thought only kids got ear infections? Aww, that explains how you got one, snigger snigger. Not funny the first time. Not funny the fortieth time. So stuff it.

And then there was the doctor’s visit. First, the nurse who moonlights as a jackhammer operator —

Nurse: *cheerily* Hello!
Me: *gloomily* Hi..
Nurse: So how are we doing today?
Me: Not too well .. *holding left ear in pain* .. my ear hurts like hell.
Nurse: Aww, do you have a fever too?
Me: Yep.
Nurse: Let me see your temperature ..

*pulls out an ear thermometer and *wham* into my left ear*

Me: Owwwww! (okay, so there were a few unprintables too.)
Nurse: Aww, that’s the painful ear, isn’t it?
Me: Duh?
Nurse: Aww, did that hurt a lot?
Me: Um .. er .. well .. now that you mention it .. HELL YEAH!
Nurse: Aww, you must think I’m some sort of an idiot, eh?
Me: *weak smile and stifling my urge to be honest* Er .. heh.

After the idiot nurse, came the medical resident who couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me, who called the senior resident who then called the attending doc who called the senior attending, who finally called the chief of medicine. Well okay, maybe not the last part, but the rest pretty much happened. (I was meanwhile trying to figure out which actors on ER play each of those roles. Is a fun exercise, if one if ever stuck in a hoppital.) Soon a bunch of identical looking docs in identical looking coats were tugging at my ear and shining a light into it, while I furiously made shadow puppets against the wall on the other side.

Doc: What do you think you are doing?
Me: Making shadow puppets with my fingers? See? *making a dog to demonstrate*
Doc: *looking at me wondering just how extensive this infection is* Huh?
Me: You’re shining a light here? Head empty? Light emerges at other end, yes?
Doc: *weak smile* Could you please put your hand down?

Tchah. No sense of humor only, these boring lab coats have.

Anyway after some conversation that involved highfalutin lines like ‘that is indeed an unusual manifestation of a <insert fancy medical term here>, but I concur with your initial diagnosis that this is an inflammation of the <insert fancy medical term for some part of my ear>’, several test-tubes of blood were drawn and I was sent home to live in a drug-induced haze for the next ten days. And the worst of it all — with a warning to not be around loud noises and music. So, if I murjhaofy like a phulwa that has been denied water, because of the lack of music in my life, you know whom to blame. Dr Song, that’s who. Yep, that’s my doc. Talk about cosmic irony.