Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears

Hello, howdy, hola and other assorted greetings. Having abandoned this blog for a month, I know it is a bit much to expect that any of you are around, reading it. But since when have I let reality come in the way of what I do here? Plus what is the point of having imaginary friends in one’s kidhood if one cannot parlay the skill into conversations with my non-existent readers? So I shall continue.

Yes, the me is back. And the me is sick. Of course, my disappearance had nothing to do with being sick, but I am naturally going to milk it for its worth. So instead of giving me grief for vanishing, please to be all sweet and sympathetic. Thankoo.

So, about being sick. No I don’t have a nice cough and cold that allows me to speak funkily. I was looking forward to the I god a gold, snibble, thangoo routine, but nopes, no ah-choos for me. I also haven’t broken an arm or a leg so I can proudly show off my cast and elicit sympathy and perhaps some celebrity autographs. Instead I am stuck with something that hurts like hell but has no grandeur associated with it. An ear infection. Now, the last two people I mentioned that to, have reacted with a Really? I thought only kids got ear infections? Aww, that explains how you got one, snigger snigger. Not funny the first time. Not funny the fortieth time. So stuff it.

And then there was the doctor’s visit. First, the nurse who moonlights as a jackhammer operator —

Nurse: *cheerily* Hello!
Me: *gloomily* Hi..
Nurse: So how are we doing today?
Me: Not too well .. *holding left ear in pain* .. my ear hurts like hell.
Nurse: Aww, do you have a fever too?
Me: Yep.
Nurse: Let me see your temperature ..

*pulls out an ear thermometer and *wham* into my left ear*

Me: Owwwww! (okay, so there were a few unprintables too.)
Nurse: Aww, that’s the painful ear, isn’t it?
Me: Duh?
Nurse: Aww, did that hurt a lot?
Me: Um .. er .. well .. now that you mention it .. HELL YEAH!
Nurse: Aww, you must think I’m some sort of an idiot, eh?
Me: *weak smile and stifling my urge to be honest* Er .. heh.

After the idiot nurse, came the medical resident who couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me, who called the senior resident who then called the attending doc who called the senior attending, who finally called the chief of medicine. Well okay, maybe not the last part, but the rest pretty much happened. (I was meanwhile trying to figure out which actors on ER play each of those roles. Is a fun exercise, if one if ever stuck in a hoppital.) Soon a bunch of identical looking docs in identical looking coats were tugging at my ear and shining a light into it, while I furiously made shadow puppets against the wall on the other side.

Doc: What do you think you are doing?
Me: Making shadow puppets with my fingers? See? *making a dog to demonstrate*
Doc: *looking at me wondering just how extensive this infection is* Huh?
Me: You’re shining a light here? Head empty? Light emerges at other end, yes?
Doc: *weak smile* Could you please put your hand down?

Tchah. No sense of humor only, these boring lab coats have.

Anyway after some conversation that involved highfalutin lines like ‘that is indeed an unusual manifestation of a <insert fancy medical term here>, but I concur with your initial diagnosis that this is an inflammation of the <insert fancy medical term for some part of my ear>’, several test-tubes of blood were drawn and I was sent home to live in a drug-induced haze for the next ten days. And the worst of it all — with a warning to not be around loud noises and music. So, if I murjhaofy like a phulwa that has been denied water, because of the lack of music in my life, you know whom to blame. Dr Song, that’s who. Yep, that’s my doc. Talk about cosmic irony.

85 thoughts on “Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears

  1. amol

    Hi!
    We, the loyal readers of thy blog, salute you.
    We always knew you were sic(k). Still no light at the end of the ear canal?
    I am glad you are back. Now I don’t have to get up in the middle of the night to check if you are back on the blog. NEVER do that to us again. Next time, write the blog from your drug-induced haze. Might give interesting results.
    yours as always,
    Amol

  2. Rk

    Really? I thought only kids got ear infections? – Forty first time :)

    Must give it to you to play with shadows in hospitals. I mean that should prove that you are kid, if the infection did not prove :)

    What else happened in your silent world ?

  3. iyer education

    ear infection haan?

    do you need someone to YELL these comments for you, if that could make things easier… and what kind of doctors insert thermometers into ears? i’ve heard about other openings… but EAR… KAAN…

    and now since you let out the secret that only kids have ear infections, i can trace back the source of Bachha samajh ke kandhe pe bithaya to kaan mein… thankoo thankoo

    *formality serious note* i hope u are better now… good to see u back :)

  4. general specific

    yay! you’re back.. oh and don’t think that because you’ve abandoned your blog, we abandon reading it. your posts are funny even the fortieth time we read it. sick and drug induced or not, its good to see you back. and tell us if you are alright now..

  5. witnwisdumb

    Aww… I’m sowwy… But you know what’s funny about ear infections… C’mere, lemme tell ya a secret… The real funny part is… WHEN I YELL INTO YOUR EAR LIKE THIS AND YOU CONTORT YOUR FACE LIKE YOU’RE HAVING A HEART ATTACK!!!

  6. HP

    * Special Sound Effects Starts *

    Welcome Back!!!

    * Special Sound Effects Ends *

    Hope with your ear, you hear with no fear.. :-)

    Cheers,
    HP

  7. Richa

    Welcome back! your post is like a Californian spring in the Texan summer. Funny you wrote about an ear infection as I get the feeling of having one while trying to figure out the southern accent.

    Hope you are doing well now and are not going to abandon your readers again.

  8. Sriram

    Awwww….

    Not to mistake the “awww” for me saying “awww” for you being sick. That “awwww” was for you not wearing a cast which means that there is one less place to imprint my famous signature on. :(..

    On second thought, can I sign your ear?

    On third thought, can i sign inside your ear?

    On *insert any number here* thought, notice how a typo can make “sign” into “sing”? Imagine how singing your ear would be!

    “Oh there was this year
    she had something in her ear
    it wasn’t a pitcher of beer
    but an infection of the innnnnnerrrrrr earrrrrrrrrr…..”

    On an unrelated note, any ear problems? Consult Dr “Iron” Mike Tyson to have it “removed”. :P

  9. anantha

    Look’s like even nature is happy with your getting better! We heard that it is jab jab phool kile type day in the East coast, now that you are better. Though one does hear that it is stinks too, which is the irony, cos a painful ear stinks too, in a different way.

  10. anantha

    [Heh Heh] Very phunny Saar!

    [Megha] : So, if I murjhaofy like a phulwa that has been denied water, because of the lack of music in my life, you know whom to blame.

    I knew you were talking about phulwa somewhere. And I kept wondering why I was reminded of the other phulwa in the morning!

  11. Unphoney

    If you do two-step, 27 times, then suffer eased.

    You want ah-choos ? Why ? I thought Jimmy was tres chic.

    (OK, rambling).

    Glad to see you back, and bouncing away too.

    :)

  12. Fleiger

    So, you planning ear-transplant then? I mean, with so many people lending you their ears, any self-respecting doctor in any bollywood movie will perform that operation.

    I guess next post will be a red lamp outside operation theatre, and relatives pacing the corridor asking each medical person, “kya hua?” ;)

    And how many of “you” were victims of this operation? It was unnerving to read “I” instead of the usual “we” given the talk of infections and diseases in the post.

  13. Paddy

    Hehehe..Welcome back and Enjoy the drugs. As far as music goes, you can sing some very nice ones to yourself (of course that invites some other problems).

  14. You&Me

    Laff Laff :D I’ve never got an ear infection ! Owner’s envy, neigbor’s pride. Gee, so I can lis-ten to Mu-Si-Hic Hic ! all te tie-m :DD ! More :D :D :D Love ya blog. Me-Ghal-O ! man-IAh ! And when you don’t write new blog, You&Me reads ol’ blogs.

  15. sanky

    hope you are doing fine by now!!..would have referred you to me dad…he is a top knotch ENT surgeon :)…i have never had an ear infection but several painful examinations :)….

    since your I hadnt visited your blog for a hwile i decided to look arounda bit….collected all the avtars in which i have commented….:)

    sanky, chunxia weng, kallu mama, tidda the grasshopper, dakoo of dharbhanga, P K Dubey, hero hiralal..and may there be many more…

    later!

  16. uday

    know what, the comments to ur post are as hilarious as ur post itself. not hilarios is ur ear pain. would it hv stopped by now?!

  17. Senthil

    Hey, you’re back! ENT surgeons, eh? Tell me about it. The one I keep going to (no, not for my ear, my sinuses) keeps wanting to put me into an alcohol-induced daze… get thee well soon.

  18. shark

    You thought you would have “lost” your readers in a month? Hah! 31 comments does not say that :)
    Welcome back. Have been a reader from a long time but hadn’t commented much…

    By the way were the doctors atleast handsome? ;-)

  19. raj da 2nd

    awww!! tht hurts!! hope ur feeling better now! Get Well Soon! All da bloggers out here r here wid u… as ur left ear :D n who in the world cud make an encounter wid the doc an interesting blog like u did ;) kudos! and hey, I really mean it when i say, Get Well Soon :P

  20. amol

    C’mon girl! It’s Tuesday and not a peep out of you. It’s our independence day….no remembering days gone by or how you used to sing the national anthem to your fav uncle? Atleast give us your comments on our comments!

  21. Sriram

    You better reply to comments, or we shall start talking in Hindi. (And to be fair, what normally happens is that everyone plugs their ears to stop the bleeding and runs as far away from us as possible!)

  22. Megha Post author

    [qs.gemini] It is good to be back too. And thankoo for un-ditching me :)

    [iii] You mean ‘ear ‘ear, right? :)

    [amol] As some wise man once said – the light at the end of the tunnel could be that of an approaching train. But yes, light is shining right through ears once again, the shadow puppet farm is alive and kicking, and all is well in my world once again :) Thanks for checking in!

    [Andy E.] *sheepish grin* You are all nicer than I gave you credit for, I guess :)

    [Rk] Now now, we didn’t need ear infections and shadow puppets to prove that I am a kid. Pretty much most of the things I say and do stand testimony to that, these days. And yay! My world is no longer silent! The music and dhinkichikis are back in full force! :)

    [Rumpy] Well, to be fair, ear thermometers are far nicer than some other kinds. Plus they take the temperature in less than five seconds, which makes it a blessing when you’re already feeling crappy with fever. As long as they are not shoved into my painful ear, they are pretty much my best friend. *formal tone* I am much better now, thanks much for asking! :)

    [general specific] Thankoo thankoo! Gratifying to know that the nonsense has repeat value also! Wasn’t particularly alright at the time of writing this post but am doing much better now. The drug-induced haze continues till Thursday though, so beware :)

    [witnwisdumb] Ah is that so? The next time you have a godawful ugly image of a sepia-tinted steel-wool wheeled cart on a bathroom tiled floor that you want to convert into a Malgudi Days reminiscing bit of art, you try yelling your requirements into our painful ear, and we’ll see what we can come up with, for you. Howzat? Real funny, no? :)

    [HP] :)

    Thanks to your wishes sincere,
    My ears can hear loud and clear!

    [aniyan] That wouldn’t explain why only one of my ears went bad, would it now? Is important to use fool-proof logic when being nasty. And thanks for the wishes :)

    [sudha] Oh yesh, Am sick of being sick, I tell ya. Time for some good wholesome nonsense, I say!

    [Richa] Thankoo! No no, I never meant to abandon my readers the first time either. Just that life bonked me on the head and left me in a daze for a bit. Very sorry and all that. *hangs head in shame* And wotcha doing around Southern accents and all? Moved there for good from sunny Calif?

    [Sriram] Celebrity autographs, I said. Just cos you moved you ass to fancypants Hollywood doesn’t mean you are one. A celebrity, I mean. Not an ass. Well .. okay, never mind. Deadly pome, by the way. Killed the ear infection in an instant, it did.

    And yes, I am friends with some Romans. But not every Roman is a friend. Why? You see, as some wise man said once (Javed Jaffrey, in case you wonder) – When in Rome, do Romans. And we firmly believe in not mixing friendship and romance, especially when we are visiting Italy. So there.

    [anantha] Aww, sweet of you to have associated that with this. Although a blooming phulwa that stinks being likened to my getting better? Are you trying to tell me something here, that I am blissfully ignoring? And Anti-type spellings reminded me of the TV show Quile Ka Rahasya, that I used to insist on pronouncing as ‘Kwyle Ka Rahasya’. Anyone remember this delicious horror-fest on DD?

    [heh] heh :)

    [RS] Yesh I am much better now, thankoo for asking. Hope to be back soon with the usual :)

    [Unphoney] Yesudas’s broken toys? Choos are good but I prefer the dude with a very blah nickname who has a thing for manholes.

    (for all other readers who wonder just what the hell I am babbling, put it aside to the aforementioned drug-induced haze)

    [Arun] What is with people insisting on pounding drums around my poor ear? You really wish for my sanity to go away, don’t you? Oh and thankoo :)

    [Fleiger] Ooh perfect! The doctor will emerge (with mask on face) to say – operation to successful hai, magar hum abhi se kuchh nahin keh sakte. The next 24 hours are the most critical. Sab uuparwale pe nirbhar karta hai. Ab dawaa nahin, sirf dua hi kaam karegi. (Making you wonder exactly how much was the doctor’s contribution really.) At which point, scene will cut to a Nirupa Roy type aunty mannat mangofying for me. Yes, I am liking this very much. And not to worry, the we-s and the wheee-s will both be back :)

    [Vasu] Sigh. Yet another bang. What is with you people anyway? Have I wronged you all in some previous birth or something? Glad to be back :)

    [Kranthi] Yes, feeling much better, as is probably apparent by all this babbling I’m doing in the commentspace. And thankoo :)

    [Paddy] Other people can deal with those other problems then :)

    [You&Me] Ah goodie! Some purpose the archives are serving, it seems :)

    [sanky] Yes, am much better now although ENT docs currently make me a little nervous. And how DID you find all your avtaars, anyway? Post by post? And dakoo of dharbhanga? When did this one make an appearance, pliss tell?

    [OnSecondThoughts] Because this blog, contrary to you turning it into your personal circus, is not a clown’s multicolor outfit, that’s why :)

    [Jay] ‘someone who loves dogs’ – you’ve used that one on THIS blog? Hmm .. wonder when? And thanks!

    [Australopithecus] Yes, a strike in Kanpur is far worse than a strike in Nagpur :(

    [uday] Its almost gone, thankoo for asking. And yes, my commenters so admirably make up for my lack of writing, that I am tempted to go back to bed and let them take over the blog :)

    [Senthil] Yesh, we is back. And nice to see you back as well!

    [shark] Hello lurker, glad you unlurked! We are wont to assuming the worst, but we are happy that our readers prove us wrong :) And docs were theek-thaak types, nothing worth writing about. Now if even one of them could have looked like this, the ear infection would have been worth all the trouble. Tchah.

    [raj da 2nd] Thankoo for the wishes! And glad my misery was of some use and entertainment to you all :)

    [amol] Hmm, so I have to generate a tender tale from my childhood that’ll make you all warm and fuzzy? Okie, here’s a jingle-inspired ditty then -

    Jab main chhoti bachchi thhi,
    badi shararat karti thhi,
    meri chori pakdi jaati,
    tab uncle hota Bajaj!

    I actually had a Bajaj-uncle as a family friend, so that worked out very conveniently for me there.

    [Sriram] If it is anything like Anantha’s Hindi, this blog will be a more entertaining place because of it, so bring it on, I say! (Pliss to not miss how I shamelessly stereotyped you and Anantha, just cos you have another language in common! I am so proud.)

  23. gvenum

    Me: Making shadow puppets with my fingers? See? *making a dog to demonstrate*

    tschah! these dog-haters. You should have tried the cat, you know using the stethoscope as the tail! I admit being one of the culprit involved in the whole “only kids gets ear infections” mocking saga of yours. Not funny when you get one of those infections of your own.

    Get well shoon!

  24. UnP / OST

    tcha@ Toy Story. But OK, you were on meds, probably slow reactions@ reply after a week. Now that you are back on the treetops with monkey tricks, let me ask you, what to dos, Jenny, the Ass hasn’t come ?

    (Love that song, BTW.) ==> is now singing ( Viewers not in desh may get transliterated version)

    Bore, brother and sun set dully too, some yen yawned n stretched.

    Oh well, we are Blahse about Choos n Chocks.

    And typo, typo, tsk tsk. Not *clown*, it is spelt *clone*. So personal wonly no, circus ?

    :-)

  25. Fleiger

    Well, we can even put a song, sung by a Nirupa-Roy-type mother and a sister in front of conviniently situated god statue in the hospital at the point after The Doctor declares the bit about dava and duva… And then when the song approaches its end, the eyelids (can’t say ear now, can I?) will flutter open and the nurse will give the good news to the singing relatives. And then, all’s well that ends well.

  26. Megha Post author

    [gvenum] Er? I should have made a cat (instead of a dog) so I could use the stethoscope for a tail? And what freak animal farm did you grow up on that had dogs with no tails? Tsk tsk.

    [UnP / OST] Yay! I thought you might be the same!

    what to dos, Jenny, the Ass hasn’t come?
    Bore, brother and sun set dully too, some yen yawned n stretched.

    Ka karoon sajani, aaye na balam
    Bhor bhayi aur saanjh dhali re, samay ne li angdaai

    Surely you insult us, if you thought we wouldn’t know this song backwards. But before you get too happy – Balaam was not the ass, Balaam HAD an ass. So pliss to get your obscure references right. And we might be a little crazy and a little Yana Gupta (now get THAT ref, hah!), but we ain’t no clown-clone. So there.

    [Fleiger] Perfect. I now know who I can count on, to script my especially-made-for-Bollywood life-story :)

  27. raj da 2nd

    elloooo!!! Goodie good to hear from you!..wel Entertainment it is, but not at the cost of ur ear. well, wt I meant ws, to be ur left ear and…. hmm..may b borrow ur ipod till ur ear gets better…sounds music to my ears already [:P]

  28. gvenum

    I thought the doc didn’t seem to like your dog shadow act, may be a cat would have made him happy using his stethoscope to good effect, so he feels involved in the fun too. Just a chotu suggestion. BTW, what did you use as tail for the dog!

  29. Richa

    Life has dumped me in the mighty city of Houston for 2.5 months a.k.a. Internship. So having fun time trying to figure out the language they speak in this state in the name of English!

  30. Fleiger

    Thankoo… and if you want further incentives, we will get Annu Malik, Bappi Lahiri and Himmesh (The Evil Trinity) for music part of the movie. [So that nobody places the blame of flop film on me for bad screenplay] Karan Johar will direct it, fresh from the success of KANK… Please decide the actors you will like to play you and your dear ones (including your readers).

  31. Asstonished

    ==> Having made ass of hisself, slinks away.

    (UnP :Background muttering “pretended ill n all, tcha. Else woulda really given a tough un”)
    (OST: Background whining ” 17 against 2, noffair, noffair”)

    Well enough, sez I. Get posting already!

  32. Megha Post author

    [raj da 2nd] Sigh. First the loud bangs and drums to attack my ears. Now when I finally start to feel better, they want to ‘borrow’ my iPod. Why is it that nobody has kind, sweet and happy thoughts when I am sick? I must surely be doing something terribly wrong, no?

    [gvenum] As any self-respecting shadow-puppeteer will tell you, we do not believe in using external props when our fingers can do the job. (Some other people in some other .. *cough* .. professions could also use the same line to talk about their work, but we shall be polite and not elaborate on that topic right now .. *cough*)

    [Richa] Aha! I’m in a dilemma if I should say congratulations for the internship or behave like a damn Yankee and offer sympathies for the location, instead. I kid I kid :) Am sure Houston is a lovely place, the accent-adjustment notwithstanding. So are you quite ready to do a paper on the differences between – you, y’all, all y’all, y’alls and yernses yet? :)

    [Fleiger] Au contraire, no matter how bad the movie is, if you get any one of the evil trinity to compose music for it, you are sure to have a sleeper hit on your hands. You can make the screenplay as bad as you want it and will still be guaranteed success. As for who should play me, ooh, now THAT is an excellent question. Who indeed? Ideas anyone? :)

    [Asstonished] Heh. I might not be my usual self when sick, but I’m still plenty enough to deal with your obscurisms, thank you very much. Two? TWO? The last time I counted, you were at least forty-seven. And amidst all the chatter between UnP and OST, you thought I wouldn’t notice that you didn’t get the Yana Gupta reference? Hah!

  33. gvenum

    As any self-respecting shadow-puppeteer will tell you, we do not believe in using external props when our fingers can do the job.

    Well, one shouldn’t mind using external props if its a live one (read as human)….you know extra pair of fingers is extra help:-) . .. you know to get more eloberate images!

  34. Megha Post author

    [gvenum] What is this world coming to? I did say I would not elaborate futher on that topic, out of politeness, didn’t I? And that became an invitation to continue on this trip? Tchah. I am talking about shadow-puppets here. Innocent shadow puppets. Any other ‘eloberate’ images that you would like to dwell on, are best left within the confines of your pondy-brain. For all you know, some young impressionable kid is going to do a Google search for shadow puppets and show up on my blog. Do you really want to scar that poor sod for life? *shakes head at the ghor kalyug around her and walks away*

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