Thank you all, for lots of thought-provoking comments on the previous blog. Anytime there’s a discussion on relationships, broad generalizations to an extent, are inevitable. As they say, it is the exceptions that prove the rule! Having said that, here’s my views on it, loaded with my own sweeping statements, judgements, rants et al.

I think the article is well written in the two points of view it presents but flawed in attributing it to men and women specifically. The need for reassurance, that the person you love treasures and cherishes you, is fundamental to every one of us, men and women alike. Having said that, this need isn’t a constant one. Its more of an occasional desire that we like our partner to pander to. But after a while of not hearing it expressed, the question does come up – if he/she is feeling it, why won’t he/she say it? It is a happy and positive emotion after all (the emotion of loving someone, that is) so it is hard to understand why there is a hesitation to express it. That in turn gradually leads to doubts about the sincerity of the emotion itself.

Should that happen? Shouldn’t the basic faith in the other person and in the bond itself be strong enough for us to not be riddled with doubts? Why the need for external assurances, one might ask? I think that need comes ‘cos people and relationships are both essentially dynamic. What one feels today cannot be taken to exist tomorrow. In fact if I assumed a person’s love for me is the same today as it was yesterday, and took that to be a blanket fact without considering his actual expression of it, I am taking him for granted. I am doing an injustice to him by not seeing him for the ever-changing person he is. Not all relationships change quite as constantly. A mother-child relationship for instance, is different. Even without the continuous reassurances, it survives. But ‘romantic’ relationships (for lack of a better way to describe them) are inherently dynamic. Change is good, and people should change, no doubt. But it is these very changes in a person that make it imperative to express how we feel. The need to remind our partner that we may be changing, but our feelings remain as strong as ever.

Of course reassurance don’t have to come in the form of words alone. And that perhaps is the biggest difference between men and women. The implicit versus the explicit. The classic ‘why do I have to tell you I love you, isn’t it obvious in the little things I do?‘ question. If women can learn to read more into the subtle signals that men give to express how they feel, and men, in turn, try to express their affection in more explicit ways, perhaps a balance can be struck. Somewhere between questioning the sincerity of a man’s emotion ‘cos he doesn’t explicity express it, and on the other end, taking him for granted and assuming he loves you even if he doesn’t say so, lies an ideal middle ground that every woman hopes to reach. The Utopia of relationships!

Came across this opinion in an email forward. It gives a woman’s perspective – on sustaining the feeling of closeness in a relationship and how men and women approach it rather differently. Definite food for thought. I was unable to Google the author to credit her, although there are some other blogs that also mention this same post.

The way we women describe the intimacy we want is remarkably consistent: It’s that sense of oneness between two people that flows from an open, meaningful exchange of thoughts, feelings and affection. It’s about each one entering the other’s private world, not merely for a short visit, but to unpack and take up residence. As women, we often see intimacy as something that includes physical displays of affection and time spent talking and listening to each other. But far more than that, intimacy is what gives women the feeling that they’re no longer just a ‘me’ but also part of an ‘us’. In fact, it’s what defines the shared life. It’s the whole bundle of visible and invisible ways her man assures her (and keeps reassuring her) that he is the one person on this planet who knows and cherishes her for who she is. When something that precious is missing, we notice it!

The challenge is that while men value intimacy as much as women do, they differ dramatically in their view of what it takes to achieve and maintain it. We tend to pursue a close, profound relationship in a way that can be described as an upward spiral. Men value a generous and continuous exchange of information, demonstrations of affection (especially nonsexual ones) and consistent efforts to look out for their best interests. When these are present, the relationship feels as if it is progressing to a higher level, not unlike a steady trek to the top of a mountain.

For men, intimacy is a prize to be gained by getting in the finish line in strict sequential order and with minimal repetition. The linear progression goes something like this: (1) Express your interest. (2) Date to build trust. (3) Make a commitment: You’ve got each other now. Once a man has moved to the next level of closeness, he finds no practical value in maintaining the traditions associated with the previous level. Men see intimacy as a settled fact, an achieved goal that implies they no longer need to do what they have already done to gain it. Repeating earlier expressions of intimacy (‘Why are you asking me if I love you when I told you a long time ago that I do?‘) suggests to him that the two of you really haven’t made it to the finish line. It’s like having to repeat a year in school.

Add to this the reality that intimacy is a completely subjective feeling of closeness. For women it often means ‘Don’t stop our traditions of showing me/telling me/holding me/hearing me, because that’s what reassures me that you love me‘. For men it often means ‘Keep finding new ways to accommodate my practical needs/admire me/assist me/applaud me‘. Neither way is any more or less loving than the other; they are simply two different roads that lead to the same destination. But unless both the man and the woman are willing to travel each of those two roads some of the time, one or the other may fail to experience the closeness he or she desires.

Agree or disagree, it makes you think..